Dear X,
All of a sudden today I just felt worthless, and it hasn't stopped. I think it was Madi. Who am I kidding, it was definitely Madi. I miss her. Parker suggested that I get her back but I don't know how because of the circumstances. Forget it. I'm gonna do it first thing tomorrow morning. I'm going to get her back. I felt like something was missing without her. There was always Madi, now it's just empty and I don't like things like that. I like Madi. I'd do anything to make sure she doesn't get hurt and I don't want anything to even think about harming her. I won't let it happen, not again. When she was crying on my lap saying how she was worthless and should just die I felt disappointed in myself. I could have comforted her better. I could have stopped her from getting hurt. I could have done something to protect her but I didn't. I'm a failure.
When I went to get my stuff for the last period of the day I found blue (my favorite color) sticky notes on my locker. They said things like 'stay positive' and 'I love you' and some even had hearts on it. I don't know who did it, but they made my fucking day. I felt so happy, it was the first time I'd really smiled since PE. I really wish I knew who it was so I could hug them and tell them how much it meant to me. I don't want to forget about them, so they're going on my mirror. Not all humans are bad I guess. They can be really, really loving.
I feel like within the last two days I've been making everyone mad. Parker, Madi, Jack, Jewel, Ella, Katie, I just can't stop. I don't know what I'm doing to some of them, others I know it's exactly my fault because they told me. It's all my fault. I don't deserve the sorta friends I have. They all deserve so much more than just me. Plain, annoying, not enough, waste of space, too loud me. Casely. That's who I've always been and I've never liked it. I wish the past could disappear and people would love me and no one would judge and it's not like I haven't tried to be better I have. It just didn't work.
-Casely
