Dear X,
My friends want to die and I can't save them. How am I supposed to help them if I can't help myself? People are starting to ask questions and I don't like it, but at least I still have Parker. It normally doesn't matter when he doesn't get an answer. I realize it might make him feel bad, but I just don't have anything to say. I don't like worrying that maybe one day I'll wake up and one of my friends won't. And then they dare accuse me of not caring, as if I wasn't suffering not knowing how they were, let alone being scared shitless if they don't show up to school. Want me to get mad at you? Accuse me of bullshit like that. Say shit that is totally fucking wrong. X, you know damn well why I hate when people do that. If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't be trying so hard to convince you that I do, I'd be doing something better. And you know me, either I care so much that you mean the fucking world to me or I don't give one fuck and probably hate you.
I just don't see how people can't realize that they mean the world to people and that they're worth so much, and just because people like their parents destroy them and make them feel like they're nothing they really are amazing and so...so perfect in their own way. Their flaws are what makes them perfect and no one in this world realizes how god damn beautiful that they are, rarely when they know they're right and not attention seeking. Maybe we all used to be that way until we got broke. Maybe before we started taking pills and smoking cigarettes and drinking vodka and tearing apart our own skin, maybe before that we were truly happy. And we didn't know about the monsters, we thought they were under our beds or in our closets but now we know that the real monsters are people. The biggest monster we'll ever have to face is ourselves.
I hate living
I hate living
I hate living
I want to die
I need to cut
I promised I wouldn't
I promised her
I lied to her
I won't do it
I won't
I made a promise
Why can't I do this dammit
Why is this so difficult
I don't wanna throw away my blades
I wanna keep them
They're mine
I'm too scared to live without them
I act like I'm not scared of much but I'm fucking terrified of so many things
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I need to bleed I don't deserve to live I can't breathe I'm a fucking shitty person I can't even stop my friends from cutting if anything I make it worse why do I ruin everything I try to fix I don't know how someone can just do that without caring there is no point in life we're all gonna die anyways shit shit shit I'm going to relapse it's been so long though it's been three weeks without it I can do this
-Casely
