Dear X,
Does it hurt when you die? Do you feel anything after? Do you think about the people you've left behind? Do you feel bad once you know you've ditched them forever? I hope not. Have you ever felt bad for leaving your friends? Maybe you just ended a conversation because you were tired or you just never reply because you're just not really in the mood to talk to people. Most of the time I feel like I'm putting them under more stress rather than being useful or anything like that. Honestly I just feel so bad for my friends. They have to deal with me every single day because I need reassurance that they won't leave me, even though it will eventually be the other way around. I don't understand how people can 'live life with no regrets'. I regret so much. I regret being born. I regret becoming friends with people. I regret hurting those friends. But I know I won't regret killing myself. I'll be dead. I don't know what comes after death, or even if there is anything, but I'd like to think it won't be bad. Otherwise everything I've been planning will have been a waste of time and my suicide will have been in vain. I think if I fail again and someone finds me I'll just cut my throat with a knife. That's easy enough. Painful, but it would get the job done. I'm just glad that none of my friends will care when I'm gone. They should rejoice with the fact that I'm not here to fuck everything up. Everything will be better for them without me. They won't have to worry about me and they can move on with their lives. Things will be good for them. One of them came over today. He might just be the last friend will I ever see. No. I take that back. Tomorrow. Those two people are the last friends I'll ever see. I'm under a lot of pressure these days and I never seem to do anything right. I can't remember anything and I don't know why. Probably just a side effect of stress.
Have you ever cared about someone and thought that would never hurt you because they keep saying they won't? And most people bullshit their way through that but they seem sincere? Have they slowly started changing the more you trusted them? Becoming more forceful with they say? First it's little thing that seem like jokes, but pretty soon they're not. They demand you to do something in a joking tone, but they're serious. They tell you that you need to laugh more. They tell you that you're messing up things a little bit more than other people. They tell you that you can't do much right. You're selfish. Stupid. Too much work almost. Have you guessed who it is yet? Probably not. Take a guess...you're wrong. I can tell you now. You would never expect someone like Alex to be this way. This is why he isn't the nicest of my friends. I don't think anyone other than me knows this. Tate was right about him. He called it over a year ago. Fuck.
-Casely
