Dear X,
You know what? I think I'm gonna be okay whether or not I kill myself. I'm content with everything I've done now. Sure I fucked up a lot but it's okay. If I do end up trying to kill myself again I know that I will be able to do it and it will be okay.
A couple days ago it started downpouring and hailing and I ran through it to go see my friend. On the way there I got soaked but I honestly felt happy running through puddles and getting my shoes wet (they still aren't dry today). It felt so fucking amazing. None of my friends really wanted to go outside but I'm not sure why. I've never been happier. Ella would've played with me if she was here. But it's okay, I did end up playing with one of them. Nothing like last year, we just walked around. I enjoyed it a lot.
One of my friends found a new word they like and they won't stop using it. This would be okay if it weren't one of my trigger words. I hope I'm not the only one with these. Whenever I hear them my stomach drops, my chest compresses, my breathing fucks up, and everything in my head starts going crazy. I instantly feel the need to do something. Anything. Just to get my mind away from the thoughts I get. I get really mad. I've never felt this mad except for when I hear some of those words. I feel like choking someone, I don't care who it is. I'm not sure why most of them trigger me except for two but it gets me really fucking riled up, just talking about them makes me edgy. I'll write them down and after I'll have to take awhile to calm myself down.
In order from least to most triggering:
Alternatively
Autonomy
Hypnotic
Faggot (when used as a derogatory term)
Color
Freeway
Cyanide
Lesbian (only when I'm being called that, because I'M NOT A FUCKING LESBIAN)
Crush (when used in any form other than the soda)
Euphoria
Slicing
...
I'm back. It took almost an hour but I'm calm now. I don't think I'm going to write anymore, even if it makes me feel better. You know why? I just decided that I will kill myself. I'm perfectly fine and I don't want to fuck it up. Just a few more weeks. You won't be hearing from me anymore unless something goes terribly wrong or terribly right. Maybe I'll have an epiphany or something. I doubt it. I'm going back to 'my old self' and that's-I don't know what that is. I just know I can do what I want, and if that means not caring about anyone and ruining myself so be it. Not like it matters. Goodbye.
-Casely
