Dear X,
Maybe one day I'll be better. I've been trying lately and it worked pretty well. I feel better sometimes. If I just keep smiling all the time then maybe it won't feel so forced. Maybe I can forget about the sadness. I wonder what it's like to be genuinely happy. To not have a care in the world. To know that people love you and not have any insecurities about your weight or face or grades or what people think of you. I hate this town. I want to move away and start over where nobody knows my secrets. I want to leave everyone behind because I don't care about anyone. That's a lie, I know it. But still, everyone else is an asshole.
Karma is literally a bitch. However, I understand that I deserve it because I am probably the shittiest person I know. Okay, I am definitely the worst person I know. It sucks being a bad person. When you try to be good it only ends up backfiring on you, and you end up worse off then you were before. I wish I could start over. I wish no one knew about anything. I wish I could just stay in my room and never leave, alone with my books and movies and paper. But then I wish I could be somebody who isn't afraid of the world, someone spontaneous who never gives a fuck. Most of all, I wish I wasn't me.
I wonder if I'm an optimist or a pessimist or a realist. Alex says that when you're an optimist you are always lying to yourself, saying it will get better or eventually something good will happen. Madison says that when you're a pessimist everything seems pointless and it won't get better. Realists stick to facts. We are going to die, there is no way around it. All three of them seem like me, it just depends on what mood I'm in. I don't know. I'm tired.
-Casely
