Dear X,
So close. She was so close to getting the truth. She stopped. Mistake. You must ask 3 times if you want the truth. Are you okay? I'm fine. Are you sure? I told you, I'm fine. No one ever asks a third time. That's when I would tell the truth. If it doesn't seem sincere I won't say anything, but if it is then I'll say something. Lately I've been too exhausted to do anything. It's been taking longer and longer to write to you, I've just been so tired. I'll be with Ashlyn and Katie almost all day Saturday which will be energy consuming. Only a few more weeks and then I'll get to leave for Colorado, then a few more days and I'll leave this world. That's something to keep me motivated every day. Seriously though, I haven't even had time to listen to music. I've just had a rough week. Of course my mother doesn't care. She'll still make me do anything possible "to keep me busy." Wow, thanks mom. Her mother truly is a stone cold bitch. Now I know where mine gets it from. She asked me what I wanted to do when I get out of school and I told her I didn't want to go to college. She bitched at me for ten minutes and then I told her what I wanted to do if I went to college and she spent the next five minutes telling me that I need to have more realistic dreams, because "like hell that's ever gonna happen." Thanks, I really appreciate it.
I stayed the weekend at my sister's house which was a bad choice. Her boyfriend left his handgun out on the couch which was nothing unusual, but as you know I've been getting worse. Around 4 am when everyone was asleep I went into the living room and grabbed the gun. I could've sworn I was so quiet. Unbeknownst to me, my sister's friend Mark didn't leave with everyone else earlier, he stayed the night on the couch. He must've been awake. No one should've heard me. He noticed immediately that the gun was missing and came to my room. I didn't even hear him coming. He ran in right after I set down my note on the chair and right before I blew my brains on the wall. He screamed at me when he burst through the door. "STOP!" It surprised me to say the least. I dropped the gun. I looked at it and hesitated far too long. I was confused on what had happened. Needless to say he got to the gun before me. He ruined my death. I was mad at him. I jumped on him and starting hitting any part of him I could. By then my sister and her boyfriend had heard the noise and came to see the commotion. Next thing I know I'm being pulled off of Mark. He and my sister's boyfriend went back to sleep where they were minutes ago and my sister stayed with me. She said nothing, just lay with me in my bed. I wasn't crying and she wasn't crying. But her eyes were watery and a few tears of anger escaped from mine. But we didn't cry. We were both taught it's wrong to cry.
He's gonna kill him. It's all my fault.
-Casely
