Dear X,
The hardest thing I've ever had to do was stay awake for six hours with tears pouring down my face and wait to see if Tate was alive. My parents were sleeping and I accidentally woke them up, my dad yelled from his room: "Go to sleep! It's 6 in the morning!" Excuse me for crying. I'm glad Ella and I didn't hurt ourselves, then he would be allowed to kill himself. You may think that you know how much you care about someone but you don't realize how much they actually mean to you until you think/know they're dead. At first when you find out there's a shock. You don't feel much. Some think that they're being lied to, that it's a dream. Then you realize "Oh shit. They're gone. I'll never see them again." And you think about all the little things you'll miss about them. And you think what life would be like without them and you realize that it really won't be the same. It's cliche, but it's true. Something would be missing. Everything would seem so empty, because without them so much is gone. Then there's an indescribable loneliness. If they're really close to you, like your best friend or maybe a boyfriend/girlfriend, you feel like you're being torn in half. It would would no longer be you and them, it would just be you. Once you realize all that, everything just fucking collapses and you lose it. And you can't stop crying. No matter how hard you try to tell yourself it's okay, don't worry it's okay, everything will be fine, you can't stop sobbing because nothing seems worth it.
When I thought he died I was honestly horrified. My worst nightmares would've come true. Tate and Ella are sorta the only people I talk to-for real, not just bullshit- for the longest time, and they mean everything to me. And with him dead Ella would stop talking all together, probably ignoring me as well. The people I care about most would forget and ignore me. Possibly even hate me. I felt like everything was falling apart and that nothing would ever be the same. I was pissed at him for making me think that, but I didn't tell him. I was too busy rejoicing in the fact that he was okay and that I could finally go to sleep. I didn't though. My mom made me get up and do stuff for her all day. I didn't get any sleep until last when I drifted off in Katie's arms. She was so warm, I would love to that again. I got 7 hours in, but it wasn't enough. I'm still tired and stressed out. Tate told everyone that his mom got a 3 day eviction notice so that made me freak out. Turns out it was a fake. He keeps making me think he's leaving. I don't like it. Why can't anyone just stay?
-Casely
