Dear X,
Today I couldn't breathe and I'm not sure why. All day I felt like I was suffocating. The air is never clear enough, it seems to be thick and polluted. The feeling should go away by tomorrow. Even though most of today was bad Tate made it better. After I told him why I got mad at him a couple months ago he told me some things I probably will never forget. I'll try to sum it up the best I can: He told me that if I want information then use force if I have to, get blackmail, bluff. He does it all the time. If he's ever pushing me around then punch him, he deserves it. He still doesn't understand how much it kills me to hurt him because fuck, I'll never forgive myself for hurting him before. He pisses me off, but it's okay. Everyone does.
What did I learn? Hey, maybe I should stand up for self and let myself be treated like shit. Maybe I should stop letting people walk all over me. Maybe I should stop wearing jackets and wear what I'm comfortable in. Maybe I should stop being such a pussy and start to live. Sure, maybe I won't stop cutting or being suicidal but I could at least try to be happy. That sounds great, the only problem is I don't how but I will find a way dammit. I want to stop being sad? Here's an idea: do things that make you happy! I'm such an idiot, how could I not realize this before? The only one who can truly decide on my happiness is me. I'm just not letting myself be happy because I've been sad so long that it's comforting. I really hope this works, I have a good feeling about being happy. It's not easy when your friends are sad but maybe I can help them. I could get Ella to start being happy too. I could get Kayla to leave her room. I could get Ashlyn to be social. I could get Tate to open up. I can do fucking anything I want, nothing is holding me back. (Other than the laws of physics and the United States Constitution) I can do anything. I am invincible. No one can hurt me. No one can control me. No one can touch me.
-Casely
