Dear X,
What if I told you that none of this was real? That everything I told you about me was a lie? All bullshit? I've been saying it to get attention? How would that make you feel? It'd piss you off, wouldn't it? I told someone about a little bit of my past and he called it all fake. Said it was all made up, that I wasn't really depressed, and I was an attention seeking whore. No, none of its made up. If anything, I left a lot of stuff out. Maybe I'm not depressed, I don't know how to diagnose depression, but if I've been feeling the way I do for almost 5 years then I at least have a reason to think I am. I've never like attention either. As long as people don't ignore me I'm fine. Whore? Yeah okay. I guess you could call me that. "You're 14 and not a virgin for fuck's sake." Insert the ugh face emoji. But honestly, I'd never lie about any of the shit in these letters unless I deny something I don't want people knowing. If I tell you any of this in person, then I'm probably not lying because I can't lie for shit about this type of stuff and it takes a lot for me to say any of it because talking to people isn't really my forte. You have no idea how much energy it takes to talk to people in person. Even my friends. It's so hard. You have to smile at the right times, say the right things, pay attention, have proper body language, etc. It drains life from me. Texting is better. At least then I can say what I feel and I won't stutter or word things wrong quite as bad. It's just easier to not talk to people at all. Then you won't mess anything up.
I had to say goodbye to Parker. I had so much to say to him, but I couldn't find the words. I didn't say anything at all really, I just disagreed with most of what he said. "Are you okay?" "Yes." "Are you okay?" "Yes." "Are you okay?" "..." "Can you answer that last one for me?" I shook my head no. I'm not okay. And I was mad at my self for admitting it. He told me that people in this town really care about me and love me. And if I hurt myself it will all be his fault because he didn't do anything. In that moment I could've sworn I was gonna change. That I was gonna make it. But then I remembered who I was and what my life is like and I remembered why I wanted to die. And I wanted to die again. I love his hugs. They're nice and warm. I love him. He's a good friend. I think he cares about me the most of all my friends because he tried the hardest to make sure I don't kill myself. He says he loves me too (in a friend way, don't worry) but I don't believe him. No one could ever love someone like me. I'm not worth it. He said he didn't want to go to another funeral. I don't even think I want one. Remember, a room full of people pretending they care and that they were there for me is not what I want. I want my body burned as soon as it's pronounced dead and I want my ashes to be let go over the fields in a helicopter or a plane. Not likely. Off topic. Parker said he couldn't see anything negative in me, and he was good at seeing negative things. Instantly as he said that I started naming everything wrong with me in my head. I'm ugly. I'm too short. Too fat. Not strong enough. Slutty. Weak. Fragile. Selfish. Bitchy. I'm not enough. I never have been, and I never will be. He said it's not fair that I've had to deal with this shit alone and I thought he'd be there for me until I realized that the whole reason I'm talking to him was because we were saying goodbye. After this, he would be out of my life forever.
You know, I think I was doing a lot better when I could cut. I didn't have to stress about getting any sources of pain and I honestly felt less suicidal. Nowadays death is all I can think about since nothing is hurting me. I'm considering breaking the deal with Tate. I only made it for a back up in case something happened to Ella and he planned on killing himself. It will be okay if I break it. I just...I don't want to have to tell him. He will probably be disappointed in me if I do and I will be ashamed. I don't want to tell him if I do. Or...I just won't tell him. No. That'd be wrong. He's been trying not to lie me and even though it's not technically lying it's not right. I'm tired of doing the wrong thing. If I cut then I'll feel less like killing myself, but I'll have to tell Tate. I just need to feel something. I need it to hurt. I'm tired of feeling nothing. I feel like I'm not human. I need to do something before I snap. Maybe that's what I need to do. That's it. I'll just break the deal like when I was planning to. I'll have to decide whether or not to continue which will be hard. I don't know if I should enjoy my time left with my friends or make them hate me and ignore me that way they won't care. It's great talking to them because they make me feel good, but they might change my mind just like last time and I don't want that again. I'm still mad at Parker for it. But everyone hating me? I'd kill myself earlier if that happened. Which wouldn't be bad, but I'd die without a shred of happiness as opposed to leaving and being at peace with everyone. I don't know what to do. I need help. Please.
-Casely
