Dear X,
I was home alone today so I didn't wake up until 14:00 and I got a full 14 hours of sleep. For the past 3 weeks I've been exhausted, I still am. I've been far too busy to even procrastinate my procrastination. I don't like things being like this, I'd much rather have nothing to do than be stuck doing everything. I guess it's all for the best. Easter is coming up and I'm not looking forward to being trapped with my family and being forced to act nice to my parents. It really helps when my cousins are there because I can just occupy myself with them and ignore everyone else. I wish my sister would come, but she stopped appearing to these type of things when she moved out almost 6 years ago. I miss her a lot, I hope she comes this time. If not then it's okay, I understand that she has better things to do.
I gained two pounds and I don't like it. Sure, I weighed myself after I ate but I still weigh too much. I wish I could listen to the words I tell others. "Your weight is just a meaningless number, it's just the amount of force that holds you down to Earth. You are not defined by your weight.' I feel as if I am. I still think that more people will like me and I could wear more clothes if I were skinnier. My aunt always says I'm growing and the other never fails to add, 'not just vertically.' Thanks guys, glad you're my family. I think it's sad when the people who've known you since birth can't even love you. Maybe they've just had too much of you. Maybe something happened. Or they just realized you're flawed and worthless. Probably the third option.
I'm not sure why I always feel so unloved when there a small few out there who truly care. Maybe I'm just loved by the wrong people, or maybe I just don't realize people love me. I can't seem to understand why I end up loving people who only end up destroying me and leaving me worse off. But damn do I live for the small period of euphoria where they appear to love me back and everything is perfect. I know that I'm in an endless cycle, but being happy for a little while is better than not being happy at all. It's a sad way to live, but it gets me through. Soon enough I'll run out of people and it will be too late. I don't want that to happen, but I do want to die.
-Casely
