Dear X,
My friends keep trying to make me happy and I don't know how to tell them that it's not working. If I say that it doesn't help they will feel like they're not doing enough and that they're not trying. I can tell they are, honestly. I just can't be happy for long periods of time. I realize that this is all my fault but they somehow think it's their's. Madison started yelling at me when I called her. She was crying and kept on saying I hated her which is why I never text her. 1. I have no reason to hate her 2. I don't text people ever really because I'm bad at starting conversations and have no one to text. Jayne says I can always text her but I feel like I'm bothering her every time we talk.
I tried to be with Madi more today but she just kinda shrugged me off. Either she went to Ella, Jewel, or Katie instead of me. I should've known I'm not that important to her, she was just lying like I thought. I wish someone would stay for once. I don't think she meant to make me feel bad, she was probably just respecting what I told her last week. A week is too long. I miss her. I guess I'll just have to move on. You know, you'd think after so many people left it'd become easier over time. It doesn't. I keep telling myself not to get close to anyone because they'll leave, but I keep making small exceptions for certain people. Those exceptions end up meaning the absolute world to me (examples: Ella, Ashlyn, Madi, etc.) and they make me go back to feeling worthless and isolated (examples: Tate, Daniel, Alex, etc.). I really need to stop talking to people, this is becoming a constant cycle.
I was at Ella's house and her dad asked me why I was always smiling. I didn't have an answer, so he then said 'it's not a bad thing, because then you don't have problems'. I wanted to correct him but based off what Ella has told me about him I didn't want to, so I refused to let my smile falter. Ella and I ended up going to her room right after. At school there's this teacher that we talked about and she said he just bores her. I don't see how he can just 'bore' her. I live my life in constant fear of every single teacher I have to face. There is a reason why I don't ask them questions or just make conversations. They scare the living shit out of me.
I'm not really scared of anything (except god damn ladybugs) but I swear, people terrify me. What if I make a fool of myself? Oh no, shit, I probably did crap now everyone is going to remember what I messed up on. I don't like going out in public for a reason. What if I run into someone and have to say hello? What if my voice catches in my throat or I stutter? What if my parents make me order my food at a restaurant? I'll have to talk to the waiter(ess) and look up at her and she'll be staring at me waiting because I've already forgot my order and my mom doesn't know it so I have to look at the menu again and then the waiter(ess) will be annoyed because (s)he'll have to wait longer. It's easier to just avoid these situations if my mom orders for me.
-Casely
