It's been a while
Since I've had to smile
And cock my head to the side
Since I've had to hide
The rage behind my grating teeth
Since I haven't been me
It's been a while
Since I've had to lie
Since I've cried in the dark
Since I was told I was smart
And didn't believe it
Look, I'm 20
A grown adult if you will
No longer a kid
Who can't sit still
And goes to a job they hate
For minimum wage
No, now I go to a job I hate
For better pay
And try to stay a float
While training for what I want to be
While building a moat
Of financial stability
When I've never learned how to pay a bill
I'm just learning
I know that
And still
I had to quit my second job
It was too much
I wasn't sleeping
And my body wasn't functioning
Correctly
My soul felt like an army
Just slaving away
For some cause I was told was just
I must just
Get. Out. Of. Bed.
Depression doesn't go away when you grow
No, now it's just not an excuse
I suppose it never was
But now it's your own fault
That you can't feel the love
When you're told over and over that you are great
While those same people but targets on your back
Waiting to retaliate
You can't have anxiety
You're too old
No you need to do things
See people
That's not allowed to stress you out
You need to go out
On dates
To find a mate
That will last forever
But do it quickly
The dating pool only gets smaller from here
And so do the men
(If you know what I mean)
Because it's all about sex
A need to impress
The other gender
I'm no pretender
That was never for me
I've questioned weather I even wanted a man
So you see,
Being 20,
Doesn't change a damn thing
I have a boyfriend
Who I will marry
But not for his dick size
Or to pop a fucking cherry
And I girlfriend
Who I love a lot
They love each other
And it's weird
But we aren't doing it because it's hot
Life is confusing
And amusing
But it hurts like hell
I'm just hoping it all goes well
Moving out
Staying in
Moving on
Growing thin
Getting big
Im trying
And I'll try to keep on trying
Until the day that I am dying
So I guess in order to start flying
I need to keep on fake smiling
