Here I am
Pondering existence
Again
Lying dormant
Again
Crying fortunes
Of what is to come
When there is no sun
No tomorrow
Today is borrowed
By a finicky god
That may just take it back
I hate being at their mercy
I hate how much it feels like a part of me
To crave anything but peace
To sit and watch the sunrise
And eat
Something
That matters
To me
With someone
Who matters to me
Yet I am sickened by the intimacy
That that moment could hold
A piece of my soul
To never let go
I am not good at letting go
If you couldn't tell
Good poets never are
Not that I am good
Just far
From myself
And too in my head
I should be in bed
But I am writing poems
On the bathroom floor instead
Too many scribbles in my head
I took two shots
To wash it all down
40% vodka
Outta drown out the sound
Of my pounding heart
But it didn't
2 shots of 40%
Nearly the equivalent of 4 normal shots of flavored vodka
And yet
I feel
Inconveniently
Incomprehensible
Uncomfortably
Sober.
I can't run away from my anxiety lately
Trying to buy a house
Be an adult
Is really getting to me
The child in me
Is struggling
She just wants to draw
But my knees hurt when I kneel to paint
And my shoulders are strained
From dying all day
Helping people
I may never meet
Gods I am beat
Look at me
Spitting image of bravery
and fortitiude
Buying a house at 22
Paining our cabinets
And still finding time to play a tune
And yet
I am not fucking in the mood
I am drained
And so fucking tired
And need a shower
And the alcohol did nothing for my anxiety
It is still within me
I feel as though I am less poetic
I am sorry
I have ruined me
I shouldn't have drank
At least not so late
After everyone went to bed
Now I wrestle with my thoughts instead
My ass hurts
The floor is hard
I still need a shower
I hate to be ignored
I need to mention this in therapy
But I was trying to dig deeper
I hate my job
But I want to love it so fucking badly
My feet are numb
My mouth is dry
I should drink some water
I don't know why
I am
Where I am
I am doing
What I can
I am here
I am breathing
And it will all
Happen
How it
Happens
But I am over it.
I just want it to happen already
And it will
But now would be nice
Sleep.... No rest
Would
Also
Be
Nice
