My world is spinning
Maybe writing
Will drown out the sound of
Dying
Maybe I'm flying
Maybe none of this is real
Maybe the feelings I feel
Mean nothing
Maybe I am something
Blowing in the wind
And with a little luck
Maybe I will never be seen again
Maybe I'll drop the maybe
And face the fact
That once you go
There is no coming back
And that
Sometimes
People die
And there is nothing you can do
No control
No clue
Just you
Alone
In a big
Scary world
Maybe you heard
But I am not doing great
As of late
Today
Has not been my day
Neither was yesterday
Or any day since Thursday
When I was told
My uncle has stage 4
And I don't know
What that means
Or what I can do
Nothing
I can do nothing
And it kills me
Well... not as much as it's killing him
Poor taste, I know
But I have to laugh about something
Right?
Right?
Right.
I'll be alright
My dad will need more time
But eventually
Maybe
Hopefully
He..
He will be fine
He has to be
For me
But that is so not fair
It's his baby brother
He is more than allowed to care
He is allowed to break down
And ugly cry
Every god damn day
If he needs to
And I plead that he does
Even if I don't feel strong enough
To see it
Shits rough
And things happen
...
Cancer
Happens
I don't I understand
Why
It happens,
But I don't think I'm meant to
Not in a "everything happens for a reason"
Kind of way
Fuck that right now
More like
Whatever is happening
Doesn't ask to be known
It just is
And I am just sitting in it
And it is so much fucking easier
To pretend it doesn't exist
So I do
Then it all hits
Like a fucking truck
Someone who was from a family
Of invincibles
Is...
Breakable
And
It's gunna be a fight
And you know what?
I won't be alright
How could I be?
I wouldn't be human
If I was ok right now
I
I need to cry now
But
I am so fucking tired
I was trying to get a better job
And move on
I was trying to figure out my own mental state
I was trying to finish school
However long it takes
And now
The stakes feel higher
I feel like my fighter
Instinct is kicking in
And it hopes we can win
But a part of me is bracing for if we don't
And I have no fucking way
To fucking know
And I can't tell anyone
Because if they know
They look at me
That way people do
When you say the word cancer
They look like you just shot a puppy
Like you ruined their day
Because you probably did.
I
I should hide now
And never come out
No one needs to see me right now
I don't want to see me right now
I have doubts
And I have hope
And I have 10,000 ways to cope
That may or may not hold
I don't know
I don't know anything right now
