Looking back
Looking through
Looking past
The past
Looking to
What is to come
What is to become
Undone
What need to change
To be ripped apart
To make a new start
To cry
To inspire
To love
To lie
To be a fighter
And a loser
To give up
And get up
And just keep fucking going
Because it is all we are knowing
And growing
Is slowing
Or going faster?
I'm a disaster
And as much as I see my broken parts as beautiful,
They are still broken
My lungs are forced open
As the cries spill out
Of the cracks in my soul
I have not known for some time
I've changed
I've changed before
But god
I don't think I have been ripped open like this
... ever
I am different
But not because I fought
Or stood up and made a change
But because
I
Fucking
Survived
I am still alive
I lived through things I never thought I could
I do not feel good
I also do not feel bad
Or sad
Or mad
Or glad
Just here
Just fear
Just love
Just lungs
Heaving
Being ripped open
Surprisingly
Hurts
like a bitch
But I guess I'm not done yet
The blood has dried
With the warmth of the sun
And I have begun
To notice the sun burns
I had for so long
The scars
The guilt
The pain
It's all here
I'm not in shock anymore
It's
Sobering
Oddly though
I don't want to be drinking
Honestly
I haven't wanted to in a while
It doesn't feel better
Just warmer
Just colder
Just lonelier mostly
But I'm not
I know that
But sitting here
With my heart in the open
And my ribs on the floor
With my mouth wide open
And reservation at the door
With time at me side
And dripping down my thigh
With eyes bloodshot
And an expression from a mug shot
And a brain
Not sure if it can try
Again
But knows that it will
It's... still
here
In this pond
I can see myself
And put my pieces back together
As I have before
I have memorized where they go at this point
It the person I see in the puddle
Isn't me anymore
Not who I knew
Someone new
Made of some old things
And some broken things
And made into a new shape
I don't know what to make of it yet
But it feels
Complete
Broken
But is aware of it
And knows when to get up
When to stand up
When to show up
When to throw up
When to take the L
When to face hell
When to cry
When to breathe
When to perceive
And when to shut down
When to drown out the sound
And when to listen
I'm different
I'm what I need to be
I survived
But know I'm not free
I don't need to be
Yet
I'm here
And this is just about as good as it gets
