I feel the cold air on my skin
I hear the vibration
Of my alarm
I see the charm
Of having a body
I see the harm too
I see what life did to you
It scabbed you over
Made tough skin
But it also made wires
Spread so thin
Under the surface
Hair triggers
That go off at the slightest touch
Telling me that I'm not safe
That I should wait
Put up my guard
And that is so hard
I'd rather hide in my shell
I'd rather tell the world I'm ghost
I like to feel
The good things
But my body
Has never felt
Like
Me
I don't mean it's shape
That I can take
I'd be ok with pretty much any of those
No
I mean
When I think of me
And look in the mirror
The pictures don't match
Like some kind of clash
Of worldview
I can't stare at myself too long
Of the me in the mirror takes over
And I don't know who she is
She scares me a bit
So I'll sit
To the side
Hide my pride
And change by the closet
So I can't see it
So I can't see her
I don't want to be present
A twitch can set me off
I would like this to stop
I want to breathe
Without feeling the air enter my lungs
Without tasting on my tongue
Without hearing myself sigh
Without wanting to try
I don't like to cry
It hurts
But it's part of being alive
I guess at one point
I didn't think I deserved that
To feel alive
So now I can't even survive
When I have to feel something
When I need to be here
I never wanted to be here
Why am I here?
I'd rather dissociate
But I can appreciate
The little things
For now
Like falling asleep
Crying it all out
Feeling the breeze
Skinning my knees
Being alive
Being me
I'll work on wanting to
Just...
be
