I have forgotten that my words hold meaning.
Even the most beautiful poems
Flit by on the wind
Between my eardrums
And my tired brain
I forget that meaning itself
Holds meaning
Maybe I'm depressed
Maybe I'm a mess
Maybe I am never meant to get out of bed
Maybe I'm too in my head
But this does not feel like dread
I've realized that so much of my writing
Is just describing a feeling
Trying find it
Buy it and package it
And sell it
To those who are willing to listen
And That feels distant
And meaningless
What is the point
What is a joint
With no one to share it with?
What is the sky
If we never fucking stare at it?
What is a life
If I don't die for it
Fight for it
Lie for it
Cry for it
What is life
If I am not constantly dying
I suppose I still am,
Everyone is.. a little
But I am dying much more slowly
Than before
How can I just ignore
My cells screaming to be in pain
The ache in my brain
To feel alive
To almost die
Every day
Just to feel something
I don't do that anymore
And that is a good thing
I know it is
But when you have fought to prove you are worthy of existence all your life
Dying is the only thing you can really live for
Best case scenario, you live and prove those around you wrong
Second best scenario,
You die
And you were wrong
And they were right
And you can rest
No longer put up a fight
To exist
It's hard to swallow all of this
I know I'm better for it
I know I will be better
If I stop fighting
If I am in a healthy environment
Where it doesn't have to hurt to live
But
My soul is an animal in a cage
Untamed
Now brought home by some family
Willing to care for it
Love it
And eventually
After all the fighting
Clawing and biting
Whining and crying
spiraling and trying
It becomes
Domestic
I am scared of being complacent
And happy
I have seen what happy can do
To an army
To a warrior
It
It ends their story
The fight is over
And they go home to happily ever after
How do I do that?
Life is still twisted sometimes
But now I find the rhymes around the jumbled flesh
In my head
A little easier
And the breeze
Is a little breezier
But I still worry
You know superhero movies
And tv shows
When there is a wedding
The hero finally gets a happy ending
In some way
A season finale
Their is always bound to be a villain
Taking advantage of
A lowered shield
And no sword to wield
In place of a broach
Or a wedding dress
It always ends in a mess
To give the hero something to fight for
Die for
Try for
Cry for
Survive for
I am afraid
If I lower my guard
Something will swoop in
And take all my happiness away
So I must suffer
Just a little
So the universe feels I am not too happy
So shall not be punished
But I could be so damn happy
If I lower my shield
If the sword I wield
Just
Sat in the corner
If I just let myself
Be happier
And happier
Maybe I'm the one who is out to get me
