I want to write
That is all
I am up late
Trigger on the pulse
Of homework I am not doing
And life keeps zooming
By
My job is hard
And dark
And it's hard to see the light
Yet when that light happens
It's hard not to see
And I leave me
In awe of myself some days
That I could experience something so strange
And filled with rage
And still come out of it's deep dark cave
Pry out of its cage
And say hello
Or I'm sorry
Or I am struggling
Help me
Or even just
Thank you
For being there
It's surprising how you would never expect
A human being to reinvent
The way you see humanity
But they do every day
Making new plans
Handing out new hands
To work on new things
And finding joy that it brings
Or the pain that sings
On the breeze
When none of us are at ease
Did you know,
That neurons copy each other?
Meaning,
When one persons feels something
Very deeply
And shows it
So can another
That is crazy
And it is insane to me
How much we ignore our own bodies
And call that free
Yet when we tend to it
Mend it
We are freer than we could ever be
How much water have you drank today?
I don't mean to shame or put away
But seriously,
How much did you eat?
How much did you sleep?
How much did you fucking breathe
Probably a lot
Maybe just a little
Being present is... hard
Because it hurts
I don't want to hurt
It takes too much effort
But I want to be good
For a future me
For a future me I want to be
For my people
And my cat
For my friends
And all that
But mostly just
For me
I want to wake up happy
I want to see my girlfriend stretch that way she does in the morning
When she says "I don't want to"
And she shines in the sunlight
And I ask "to what"
And she says
"Today"
And all I can think
Is how much I want to stay
And hold her all day
Or when my cat yawns
and I just want to scoop her in my arms
And feel her fluff on my skin
Feels my breaths deepen
And my calm strengthen
Or when I am at work
And a client thanks me
Or even just... says I helped
Or when a coworker says I'm doing a good job
Or when my dad says he's proud of me
Or just sitting on the swings
When the sun is finally shining
Maybe I'm just ready for spring
And to see the sun rising
Not hiding behind clouds
Ready for it to be loud
In the best kind of way
Watch children play at the park
And not slave the day away
That would be a start
But for now
I will write I suppose
Free something in my soul
That needs to come out
And drown the doubt
That things will kill me
Or fill me with rage
No I'll be alright
It was just one of those days
It will fade
And the sun will come out
And I will breathe
And I will be
That future me
I am am always trying to be
I guess I am already
Go figure
