Love Through Me (Lesbian Story)

Chapter 27

Riley

   I fidgeted with my shirt, knowing I would speak. Normally, when I came to group, I usually just listened, but this was different. Jamie was here...with me. Jamie reached back for my hand as the woman who had been telling her story ended.

   "Is there anyone else who would like to share?" Cynthia asked

   I stayed quiet a moment as everyone else did the same.

   I cleared my throat loud enough for everyone to face me. "I uh...I-I would like to talk. To share."

   Cynthia eye brows arch high enough for me to frown. I guess I really wasn't known as the sharing type. I wasn't. Jamie sat quietly next to me.

   "Go right ahead," Cynthia said, beckoning for me to start.

   I hadn't realized the stiffness in my shoulders until Jamie's soothing soft voice relaxed me. "I'm here."

   I wondered how she must be feeling. I bet she never would have guest something like this from my past. "I um..." I cleared my throat, taking another deep breath as I repositioned. I didn't know where to start. Jamie squeezed tightly on my hand and I breathed out relaxing. Start from the beginning, I told myself.

   "You have all our support," a woman I never met before said.

   This group was so easy to cry in front of. I wasn't use to people caring so much, wanting to help take some of my pain. Jamie taught me that it was okay to feel and let her in.

   I could do this. "I always knew I liked women. Crushes on female teachers; first kiss was my old best friend. Her and I were only...twelve. I never once thought about boys. After that first kiss...I just knew I was different from many of my friends." My chest felt tighten, almost suffocating but after a few seconds I could breathe relaxed again. Jamie was by my side. That's what calmed me. "I was raised in a church...and they spoke of liking the same sex, so that told me from the start not to share my personal life. Not even to my mom." Everyone sat around listening, with comforting expressions. "She married my stepfather when I was six and I definitely knew to keep my mouth shut around him. He had a gay brother and bashed him before I even knew my own feelings." I clenched my jaw shut, feeling like I was about to choke with so much emotion. My breathing quickened as I reached over, placing my other hand over Jamie's hand. "He caught me with a girl when I was sixteen." I paused, sighed, and then continued. "He kicked her out...and, he uh--my mom was at work. He said uh...that...God would never accept me and that he would help force it out of me. That night..." I struggled to breathe, due to the fight to not break down and cry. "That night...he...he r-raped me." I hadn't realized tears fell from my eyes until I felt Jamie brushed them from my cheeks. I shifted my head to her, smiling weakly from her comfort. I cleared my throat. "After that...he forced me to go to church every Sunday and have them re-baptize me. He told everyone and they all began treating me different. My mother...she was so gullible and let my stepfather control everything. She never knew what he did to me. What he continued to do."

   As I spoke, the memories flooded me along with more tears. I wiped my face with the sleeve of my sweater, sniffing as I tried to control my emotions. What my stepfather had done, ruined the rest of my high school years. I was on the softball and track team. My grades were perfect. I had a girlfriend; and that night; everything disappeared. "If I even looked at another girl, he would be in my room that night. I ended my relationship and friendships with every girl. He forced me to date boys. I turned to drugs and alcohol. After a while...I didn't care and began sleeping around with women. But it wasn't normal causal sex. It was...different. Love was ... Not possible for me." Saying that, I wanted to look to Jamie. I was too weak to. I would only start crying. "The church found out a year and half later. I thought I'd tell one of the ministers. He only told my stepfather what I said and tried to do some sort of religious intervention. So, I gave up on life." I was afraid to look at Jamie. I didn't know what she was thinking and I was afraid to know. "I met Pete," I faced him as he gave me a bright smile. "He helped me face many things; tell my mother what her husband had done. She didn't want to believe me...but she knew I would never lie. My stepfather tried to attack my mom when she threatened to call the police. I didn't want the cops coming. But...I was so angry. I grabbed my baseball bat and beat him with it until he couldn't move."