The Beautiful Target (Protector Series 3)

Chapter 39: Grief and Its Faces

Mabigat ang dibdib na pinagmamasdan ni Ellie ang magkatabing puntod sa kanyang harapan. It has been more than two months since that fateful night and yet the weight of grief in her heart never changed since. If she'd be honest, it grew heavier.

Akala niya, dahil ilang beses na siyang nawawalan ng mahal sa buhay, magiging madali na sa kanya ang pagtanggap ng kamatayan. Pero hindi pala gano'n. Iba-iba ang mukha ng pagdadalamhati sa bawat kamatayan.

Gaya ngayon, nagtatanong pa rin siya. Hanggang ngayon, umiiyak pa rin siya.

When she lost her adoptive parents, she grieved but it was cut short because she knew she cannot afford to grieve for so long because adulthood forced her to face the real world even if she wasn't ready. When she lost her first baby, the grief almost tore her apart. But then she realized maybe she'd just have to live with the guilt for the rest of her life. And now... this. How can you grieve for someone you never knew you've lost for a long time? What should she grieved for? Just the handful memories they had or the memories they could have had?

She's not sure. Maybe both and more.

They say grief comes in like the waves of the ocean. Sometimes, the water is still. Other times, it drowns you like the tempest. Torturing you with every bit of what-ifs and could've-beens.

And she's still there, drowning. Thinking of how she'd live her life forward after the grief that has come stolen her joy.

Wala sa sarili siyang napahawak sa kanyang tiyan.

"You've got to have the grace to remember what you have left instead of what you have lost," paalala ng isip niya.

Awtomatikong tumulo ang luha niya sa naisip. Tama, she still has her baby. The new life growing inside her is a testament that she still can live a hopeful life after a loss. Her baby will be her new reason to live, a blessing that needs to be nurtured, protected and taken cared of.

Suminghot siya at mabilis na nagpunas ng luha. Maya-maya pa, naramdaman niya ang mainit na pagyakap sa kanya ng mga pamilyar na bisig mula sa kanyang likuran.

"Hey, you're crying again," bulong ni Ivan sa kanya, magaan pang pinatakan ng halik ang balikat niya.

She closed her eyes as the warmth of his embrace reached her heart.

And I still have Ivan, naisip niya.

Yes, Ivan is still with her. At gaya ng ipinangako nito sa Papa niya, Ivan survived that night and continued to live.

That day at the hospital, two patients were called for code blue. Ivan made it. The other patient didn't.

Ivan took his time recuperating. Kinailangan din nito ng therapy para sa nasugatan nitong balikat. And the first thing he did when they went out of the hospital was to test his gun. At kahit na anong pigil niya, hindi ito nakinig sa kanya. He just said that he wants to make sure. Sure of what? Hindi pa rin niya alam. Ngayon, tumitindi ang hinala niya na baka hindi sila ng baby niya ang binalikan nito mula sa bingit ng kamatayan, kundi ang mga baril nito.

But she understood, he would not be Ivan without his guns, just like she wouldn't be Ellie if she won't help treat her patients.

Humarap siya rito at marahang umiling. "I was just greeting Papa and Mama goodbye," sabi niya bago muling ibinuro ang mukha sa dibdib nito.

"Para namang hindi na ulit tayo dadalaw dito," sabi ni Ivan sa kanya marahan pang hinaplos ang tiyan niyang nagsisimula nang umumbok.

Naroon sila sa Aparri, sa mauseleo ng mga magulang niya. Nagpapasalamat siya dahil hindi inilayo nina Mg Pedring at Aling Maring ang Papa niya sa puntod ng Mama niya. And though the devestation of what had happened there two months ago can still be seen, she cannot not visit her parents.