Find Me / Save Me (Bucky x Reader)

Sixty-Six

I can feel myself waking up, I can feel the stiff medical bay bed beneath me and the steady breathing of someone beside me. I keep my eyes closed. Not because I can't open them, but because I don't want to. I don't want to open my eyes to a world without Bucky and Sarah. I hope that if I keep my eyes closed it can all be a nightmare, that everything was just a cruel nightmare.

"I can tell you're awake (Y/N)..." her voice was soft and almost pleading, as if asking me to open my eyes and look at her.

I give in after a couple of minutes in silence, hearing her neither get up and leave, nor talk. Resigned I slowly open my lids and see the familiar soft smile of Pepper next to me. "Pepper... shouldn't you be with Tony?" My voice was hoarse, practically a whisper.

She gave me a soft smile and brought her chair closer to my side. "Bruce is watching over him. I needed to be here. With you."

"Why?"

Her smile became a frown as she dropped her head. She stayed silent for a while before I heard small sniffles coming from her. "I was with Sarah." My chest tightened hearing her name. Pepper lifted her head to look at me, her eyes glossy with unshed tears. "After the team left for Wakanda, I went back to the Tower with Sarah. I wanted to keep her safe." Her unshed tears now slowly fell down her cheeks and I could feel my own start to fall as my chest grew tighter and tighter with every word she spoke.

"She was right in front of me (Y/N)... and then – she was gone. I'm so sorry. I – I know sorry won't fix things. But I wish I could, I wish I could do more. Whatever – anything to bring that little girl back. I love her." She grabbed my hands into hers, as if in a prayer, as if asking for forgiveness. I could see guilt eating away at her, and although my heart was broken, I couldn't let her bare that guilt. Not when it was mine alone to bare.

"I know you would do anything for Sarah. This wasn't your fault Pepper." Her eyes closed tight at my words, as if hearing them were a wave of relief or absolution washing over her. I could feel her body relax slightly as she took deep breaths to steady herself.

Finally, she straightened herself up and opened her eyes. "Are you hungry? Do you need anything? I can get whatever you want. Anything. Just tell me." Automatically she returned to her caretaker role, as she often was for Tony. I shook my head softly and just closed my eyes laying back.

I just want to be alone. I want this to be a bad dream. I want my husband and daughter. But these thoughts weren't things I could vocalize. So, I just laid back silently, until I heard her rise from her seat. "I'm going to go check on Tony... I'll come back later (Y/N)..." I didn't reply, not finding the strength to speak.

Once I heard her retreat, I opened my eyes and stared blankly at the roof. Laying in the silence I felt my body get heavier and heavier. The pain crushing me. Time stilled or moved quickly. I couldn't tell. I stayed frozen in place, my vison blurry with tears, unfocused.

The world could be burning around me, and I would lay here unknowing. I felt like I was out of my own body, looking down at myself frozen. Practically showing no signs of life, of a real care to live. I lay there broken. A shell.

I could faintly hear words spoken around me.

"She's hasn't moved in days...."

"Give her some time...."

"(Y/N) can you hear me?"

"I'm so sorry I failed you..."

"I too have lost it all Lady Barnes..."

"We tried (Y/N)..."

"Tink?"

The words faded in and out. You couldn't tell if they were spoken together or days apart. You didn't have the energy to respond. You didn't have the energy to go on.