Best Friends Last Forever ✔️

Part 32: "I don't need help! Right?"

TW: ED

"Hey uhm- I called Dr. Wyatt and she said I could come now..." he suddenly heard a voice from behind him. As he turned around he saw Meredith standing behind him, fully dressed, her phone in her hand, while looking at him with a questioning expression.

"Now?" he said, carefully coming closer to her. "Yeah. I want help. I don't want to live like this anymore I can't- I want to get better. I'll go there right now" she said with a sudden force. "I'm proud of you Mer. That you want to get help. I'm proud of you." He said, taking her in his arms.

"I-I just want this t-to be over" she said sniffling as she laid her head on his shoulder. "I know" he replied quietly. "I'll drive you okay?" he added as he released her and grabbed the keys from the counter. "Thank you" she whispered and begun to put on her shoes.

Twenty minutes later they stood in front of Dr. Wyatt's door. "Do you want me to come in too?" he asked as she didn't seem on planning to knock any time soon. "No- I can do this." She replied, starring at the door. "Okay. I have a few patients I should check on while I'm here but I'll come and pick you up in 45 minutes yeah?" he said, slowly rubbing her arm as she nodded. "Okay" he said, kissing her cheek and then disappearing into the hallway.

She took a deep breath before knocking at the door before entering the room where Dr. Wyatt was sitting behind her desk.

"Meredith, good to see you." She said as she stood up to welcome her, gesturing towards the couch to sit down. Meredith did as asked and sat down while Dr. Wyatt sat down on her casual seat.

"So, on the phone you said you wanted to talk about something?" she asked as she opened her notebook but Meredith stayed silent. "You have to say something if you want my help" Dr. Wyatt said after a few minutes of silence. "I know" Meredith said quickly not looking up from her hands.

"It- feels so real now. The past f-few days I knew this was going to h-happen but- now I'm here, I-I'm sitting here in your office not able to collect my thoughts." She breathed burring her head in her palms.

"Did something happen?" Dr. Wyatt carefully but directly asked. "Your last appointment was about eight years ago." She continued, looking as Meredith leant back again, still not looking her in the eyes.

Meredith knew she would have to start talking eventually to get help. Andrew said he was proud of her for getting help but she felt like she didn't deserve him being proud of her. It was her fault. She decided to stop eating and lose weight. It was her decision. Her fault.

"Derek died a few years ago right?" Dr. Wyatt tried but Meredith didn't move or reply. 'What am I even doing her' she suddenly asked herself. Her decision. Her fault. She wanted this. She liked being skinny. She loved it. So why was she here. She certainly wasn't here for herself. Was she here for Andrew? Scared of losing him? Yes. She didn't need help. Everything was fine the way it was. She was losing weight and it felt great but she couldn't lose him. She just couldn't. So how could she made Andrew believe that she was getting help while continuing to not eat...

"Yes. He died." She replied. "Is that why you're here?" Dr. Wyatt asked. "Yes." She lied, still not looking up, scared that the therapist might see that she wasn't saying the truth if she looked her directly in the eyes. But how could she lie to Andrew? He was doing so much for her. He was there. Every time she needed him he was there. She looked at her left hand. Her ring. His ring. Their promise ring.

"Are you in a relationship?" Dr. Wyatt asked, seeing her looking at the ring. Meredith looked up, not knowing what to say. "I- yes." She said hesitantly.

"When did you last slept through the night Meredith" she suddenly asked with the typical analysing-kind of voice that had always made Meredith angry. "I-" she replied surprised. "You seem tired" Dr. Wyatt continued looking at her patient who put a strand of hair behind her ear, deep and dark rings under her eyes. Dr. Wyatt was right. She was tired. But she had nightmares. So she couldn't sleep. Every time she closed her eyes she saw him shouting at her, leaving her alone. She had no one except him. She couldn't lose him. So what was she going to do. It seemed like she had two options.

On the one side she could tell Dr. Wyatt about the miscarriage and the eating disorder, the nightmares and fears. But that would mean she would have to start eating again. She would have to gain weight again. She knew that she had an eating disorder. She wasn't stupid.

On the other site she could lie. Lie to Dr. Wyatt, lie to Andrew, to herself. She could pretend that everything was fine and still stay thin and skinny. But if he would find out she lied to him then... Then he would leave her. Right?

"I can help you, Meredith. But you have to talk to me." Dr. Wyatt said after another few minutes of silence. Okay. She could do this. Find a balance between getting help and not gaining weight.

"Okay. I-I have something. And there are times where I want to get help. To feel better. Like when I called you. I made a decision. To get help. But then- I sit here... and everything I want is to run away because I don't need help. Well... I think I don't need help. But I do. Or I don't. I- this is my problem. I don't- I think- I just-" but she didn't finish the sentence and just looked at Dr. Wyatt.

"That sounds like you're having mood swings." The therapist said slowly, writing down something in her book. "But this- something... that you have... You don't want to talk about that? It seems like that is why you came here and- you are here. So like you said, you made a decision. So you may want to talk about what is causing the mood swings"

Meredith thought about what Dr. Wyatt was saying. Mood swings seemed to describe her constantly changing opinion about getting help. But what had that to do with anything else. Suddenly she wasn't even sure if she really had an eating disorder anymore. She just wanted to lose some weight that wasn't something unmoral... Many people want to lose weight and they don't necessarily have an eating disorder. But the fear was a symptom. The fear of gaining weight. The fear of eating something.

As well as the mood swings. But if the fear of being left alone was a symptom was something she wasn't sure about.

"You are not here because of Derek aren't you?" Dr. Wyatt asked as Meredith was silent for another five minutes and the session was half-way-over. "No" she whispered. "Then why are you here?" the therapist continued.

"Could- could we reschedule? I-I'm sorry I am wasting your time I- can- can I make an appointment for tomorrow?" Meredith asked as tears begun to build up in her eyes. She needed time to think about this. She needed time to figure out what exactly she wanted help for. She needed to figure out what was wrong with her before she talked about it. She would do research. Tonight. When Andrew would be asleep she would try to find out if she had an eating disorder by herself. She had done this before, with Cristina. She would write down all of her symptoms, and she would be honest. And then she would figure out what was going on. And after that she would decide if or if she not needed help from Dr. Wyatt. Maybe all of this was just going on in her head. Maybe she could eat something. She would at least try. Do the research. Find out what was going on. And then ask for help. Because she needed to know why exactly she needed help.

"Yes of course" Dr. Wyatt sighed. "Does 11 am work for you?" she added, closing her book. "Yes, thank you" Meredith replied, quickly standing up and running out of the room. She needed Andrew. Right now.

She headed down the corridor but as she saw Dr. Bailey standing at the nurse station she suddenly stopped. Hiding behind the door while taking a deep breath. This was stupid. She could do this alone. She didn't need Andrew every time she was upset. Even if he made her feel safe and even if when she was in his embrace everything seemed to disappear.

She couldn't even make a decision about this. Mood swings. Stupid stupid stupid! Right in this moment Andrew came around the corner. He didn't see her at first but then, as he spotted her and saw her tear strained face he took her hand and led her into the next empty room.

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