Best Friends Last Forever ✔️

Part 37: Just breathe

At 10.30 am Meredith was discharged from the hospital so she made her way over to Dr. Wyatt's office to get over with it already. As she knocked she heard a muffled voice from behind the door, telling her to come in. She sat down on the couch, avoiding direct eye contact since she was more than embarrassed about what happened yesterday.

"Good to see you again, are you feeling better?" Dr. Wyatt begun cheerfully, trying to ease Meredith's mood a little as she nodded.

"You opened up yesterday a lot and I really appreciate that. It's good to ask for help and it's nothing you have to be embarrassed about okay?"

"Okay" Meredith whispered, burying her back deeper into the orange couch in the therapist's office.

"Yesterday you also told me and Dr. Bailey that you are having quite a lot of those panic attacks. Could you tell me what triggers them?" she continued but Meredith just shrugged, looking over to the aquarium.

"So you don't know or you don't want to tell me."

"I guess- it's about small things... different things." Seeing that she wouldn't get anything more about that from Meredith now she continued with something else instead.

"When did you first admit to yourself that you have an eating disorder?"

"I-I don't know... I think it was uhm- three days ago. That was when I told Andrew about everything."
"Okay, you know that there are different types of them, so could you tell me what your feelings about eating or gaining weight are exactly like?"

Meredith stayed silent a little longer, thinking about what the fear exactly looked like. Well- whenever she saw food she got nauseous, whenever she was in a situation where she was supposed to eat something like at dinners with the kids and her sister, she had this feeling like she was trapped, her chest tightened and her hands got cold and sweaty. Eating had become something uncomfortable to think of, a challenge that she had to face every single day and what used to be her favourite meals had become scary threats. The one time two days ago where Andrew had made her her favourite snack was the only time those fears weren't that bad so she could overcome them. It was the only time eating wasn't an unbearable task. Even if it took her almost an hour to finish two slices of bread and some scrambled eggs, somehow it was easier to eat when she knew that no one was watching her. When she knew that no one would judge her. And that was only when she was with Andrew.

"I have to be honest to get better don't I?" she sighed after a couple of minutes.

"That would be good"

After another few minutes past where Meredith tried to collect her thoughts and find the right words Dr. Wyatt spoke up: "I know that it is hard to put your thoughts into words. Maybe it would help if you lay down and relax a little" Dr. Wyatt suggested. Meredith hesitantly put of her shoes and laid down, her hands resting on her flat stomach. She smiled slightly as she felt how flat her abdomen actually was.

"Do you want to listen to some music?" Dr. Wyatt asked, and as Meredith nodded she stood up and turned on a small radio which begun to play a calming playlist.

Meredith laid there, thinking. Listening to the music which was playing silently in the background. And suddenly she started to talk. It really helped. She told Dr. Wyatt everything she had been thinking and not been able to put into words for the past ten minutes.

"When was the last time, besides two days ago, when was the last time you had a full meal?" Dr. Wyatt asked after Meredith had opened up to her like she hadn't even done to Andrew.

"I don't know" she whispered embarrassed. She loved being thin and skinny but she wanted the overthinking and oversentimentality to be gone as well as the fears.