Best Friends Last Forever ✔️

Part 42: I want to fight

The next morning Meredith woke up as one of the nurses literally burst into the room. It was the same that had rolled her eyes at her yesterday. Normally she was good with the nurses. They were very important to keep the hospital going and many surgeons didn't appreciate them. But nurse Nicole, here in psych ward seemed like she had a problem with Meredith. As the trail with food was placed beside her bed, Meredith tried to pretend to be asleep until Nicole had left the room. As soon as she heard the door close she sat up and pulled the trail closer to her, picking up the fork. Butter toast and again scrambled eggs. She took a deep breath and stabbed the fork into the eggs, slowly moving it towards her mouth. Hesitating for a moment she pushed the fork into her mouth, closing her eyes while beginning to chew. She chewed very slowly and kept the food in her mouth for a good minute before swallowing. When she opened her eyes again she didn't know what to feel. On the one side she was somehow proud of herself for being able to start eating but on the other side she hated herself for this. She didn't deserve to be proud of herself. No one should be proud of her. She was a disaster. She messed everything up. Everyone hated her. The voices in her head kept telling her so and she felt too weak to not to listen to them. She was weak. Andrew deserved so much better. Her kids deserved so much better. Her sisters. Her patients. Her friends. Everyone.

She started shivering. Suddenly she felt like the walls were moving, making the room smaller and smaller. She looked down at her plate again. They had given her a plastic knife. Perfect. She looked around, searching for something like a towel. She found a set of tissues in the drawer of the cabinet and took two out. She didn't even care if anyone was going to come in. They already thought the worst of her so what would that change. She sat back on her bed, pulled up her sleeve and started to cut. On both her arms. It felt so amazing seeing the small lines of blood running down her wrists. She quickly whipped the tissues around the fresh wounds and rolled her sleeve back down while hiding the knife in the travel bag in which Andrew had brought her stuff. She would need that later.

As she sat back down on the bed, slightly feeling better after relieving some of the pain, she looked back at the food and picked up the toast. There was still something left in her. Something that wanted to fight. Something that wanted to proof them all wrong. Something to show everyone who was talking about her that she was more than that. She was a surgeon. A mother. She was human. It was okay to make mistakes and it was okay to break down sometimes right? She could do this. She decided to fight. Screw those stupid human beings gossiping about her in the whole hospital. She didn't care about them. Maybe she would lose her friends. Maybe her job. But she would survive this. She had her kids whom she loved so much and she wanted to get better for them. And for Andrew. She hoped that he wouldn't be one of them who would decide to leave her.

She took a small bite of the toast and begun to chew. Again very slowly but she did it. She was eating. She could do this. While she was still chewing her gaze wandered towards the box with one single pill in it. Should she take it? Would it make her weak? She remembered how it had helped the first time she had taken it. Back then she had felt better after Andrew had handed her that pill.

After swallowing she opened the box, put the pill in her mouth and took a sip of her water. Okay. Maybe the meds would make it a little easier at least.

After she took another deep breath, taking in the scent of Andrew's pullover which she was still wearing, she continued to eat the toast. And then the other one. And then the rest of the eggs. Everything. She had eaten everything. So much. So much calories. She had eaten so many calories. Tears begun to make their way down her cheek as she pushed the trial away from her and laying back down, pulling the covers up to her chin as she cried. But she forced herself to not move. Because she knew that if she would move she would make herself throw up. It wouldn't matter that she didn't had access to the bathroom. So that was all she did. Laying on the bed. Trying not to think about the food inside her stomach, slowly building fat-cells in her ugly body. She tried to focus on her kids instead. She tried to think about their best memories. And Andrew. She thought about the day when Andrew had come back into her life. When she had seen him standing in front of the OR board talking to Dr. Bailey, and how it had felt to be in his arms again after all those years in which they weren't together. And she thought about Derek. Derek would have been as sweet and caring as Andrew was. He would be proud of her for trying to get better. How did she deserve those two wonderful men? She smiled to herself, tears still streaming down her face. She was okay. Derek had died but he was still here. And Andrew had come back and now they were together. He had said that he wanted to marry her one day. She had everything you could ask for. She had three amazing children, she had two amazing sisters, she had friends, she had had Derek and now she had Andrew. They were different but she loved them both. So much.