Best Friends Last Forever ✔️

Part 36: So cold

TW

"Do you want me to stay overnight?" Andrew asked as he sat down on the edge of her bed. They had laid in the ER the whole day until Bailey told them to make space for an incoming trauma. After Meredith was moved to the room she would stay in overnight he was now worried about leaving her alone.

"No you should go home I- I don't want the kids to be alone. You have to tell them what happened and make sure they're okay. I don't want them to be scared" Meredith said tiredly.

"Okay I'll take care of them. I promise. You should get some sleep" he replied, putting a loose strand of hair behind her ear, letting his hand rest there a little longer. But all he could see was fear.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I can't sleep" she replied embarrassed, closing her eyes, leaning into his touch.

"There was a time when you lived with me and my mother. Do you remember that?" he begun and as she nodded he continued "You were...- depressed and you were alone and- well you know what happened. And because of that I have to ask you: Are you self-harming, Mer?"

She looked at him, a barrier of tears welling up in her eyes making her sight blurry. "No, I'm not" she said softly. And it was true. It was one time and it would stay that one time. Right? But in the moment she thought about it she felt this sudden desire to grab a scalpel and relief herself a little. It wasn't easy. She had three kids. She was a responsible mother of three but- she needed it. It had felt so amazing that she suddenly wanted nothing more than to do it again. She wasn't suicidal. She would never- but she needed at least the cutting.

"Okay" he said relieved, smiling at her a little. "I'll pick you up right after your appointment tomorrow okay?"

"Okay thank you" she replied, unbelievable thankful that he let it go.

He kissed her one last time and then left. She was alone now. Completely alone in a room in a hospital. A hospital full of scalpels. No. No wrong thoughts, no scalpels. Only one little cut. One little, tiny, small cut. She carefully unplugged the IV from her hand and stood up. She knew that there was a supply closet just ten meters away from her room. She quietly went out and looked around. The corridor was empty. She slipped into the supply closet and grabbed a new scalpel, quickly walking back into her room. As she closed the door, she took a deep breath. No one had noticed or saw her. Perfect. She went into the bathroom and locked the door behind her, sliding down onto the floor.

She rolled up her sleeve, taking off the bandage, revealing the still red lines on her skin. She placed the scalpel on the first line and cut it open again. Instantly she felt relieve wash over as she continued with each line.

Ten minutes later she was back in bed. She had cleaned herself up as well as the bathroom, determined not to leave any kind of evidence. She had hooked herself back up on the infusion bag and closed her eyes.

She hated that she lied to Andrew. But she couldn't tell him about the cutting. It would destroy everything. He believed that she was getting help. Help. Suddenly her eyes jolt open. She quickly ripped the IV off again. What if there were calories in it. This was stupid, she knew the contents of infusion bags but what if they had put something in there to make her gain weight. Dr. Wyatt knew about her problems with food so she could've easily told Dr. Bailey about it. And she could have decided to give her more than simple fluids. Her breathing got faster and faster before she grabbed the bag and went to the bathroom again. Half of it was already in her body. Creating more and more fat-cells.

Still hyperventilating she emptied the contents of the bag into the sink before she thought about how she could get it out of her again, whatever was in the IV bag. Throwing up had no use since there wasn't anything in her stomach. Her only option was exercising. No this is crazy. But it was her only option.

She looked at the bag in her hand. 80ml. She had no idea if there were any calories in it how much there actually were. She considered there could probably be between 20 and 60 kcal which meant that 15 minutes would be more than enough.

She hung the bag back onto its place and opened the door to check if anyone was near. But the hallways where still empty. She closed the door again and turned the lock, pulling her pullover over her head.

_______

20 minutes later she was done. She went into the bathroom to take a shower, put her clothes back on and laid down, pulling the blanket up under her chin. She was exhausted. Beyond exhausted. So she closed her eyes and not a minute later she was asleep.

Around two am in the morning she suddenly woke up. Panic instantly build up in her as she didn't recognise her surroundings. It took her a few moments to remember where she was and why she was here. The first thing he noticed was the cold. She was freezing like she had never froze in her life before. It felt like she was in a giant fridge and every single part of her body was slowly turning into an ice blog.

She pulled her knees up to her chest, trying to imagine Andrew's warm body next to her, his comforting arms around her. She needed his body heat.

After tossing and turning around in bed the rest of the night she finally fell asleep, just to be awakened by the door opening around 5am in the morning.

"Morning Grey, I told the interns to skip the room for rounds. How are you?" Dr. Bailey asked as she came over to the bed.

"I'm fine" Meredith snapped. She didn't mean to snap. Especially not at her chief, her mentor. "I-I'm sorry I-I d-didn't mean to s-snap" she added, feeling bad.

"Don't worry. I know it can't be easy for you. You're seeing Dr. Wyatt?" Dr. Bailey replied as she sat down on the edge of Meredith's bed.

"Yes" she replied hesitantly. Have they really spoken about her? Did anyone else know she was here because she collapsed? Were they talking about her?

"That's good. You know you can talk to me anytime?" she asked and Meredith nodded, starring at the ceiling, her mind pacing, close to panicking. Dr. Bailey sensed her uncomfortableness and grabbed her arm to calm her down. Her left arm. Meredith immediately flinched and Bailey quickly moved her hand away.

"Everything okay with your arm?" she asked curiously, looking at her with furrowed brows.

"Y-yes j-just a b-bruise" she said, her eyes closed. She wished she could have said it more convincingly since the stuttering wasn't really beneficial.

"Are you sure, I can check it out?"

"No it's fine really"

Dr. Bailey wasn't really convinced but thankfully she dropped it. Meredith was so scared someone would find out about the cuts on her arm. Especially Andrew since she told him she wasn't self-harming. He had immediately thought of the time when he had found her in the bathroom, a scalpel in her arm, tears streaming down her face so many years ago.

___________

He had talked to the kids and told them their mom had to stay at the hospital for a night because she wasn't feeling very well, but the doctors would take care of her. He had made them dinner, they watched a film and then he had brought them to bed before going to sleep as well.

He loved Meredith's kids. He loved spending time with them, but he missed Meredith. Somehow it was extremely difficult to sleep without her in his arms. The whole night he laid there and thought about what happened the previous day. Dr. Wyatt said Meredith had to come to therapy every day for a whole week and that she won't work for the next two weeks. That meant that she had talked to her right? She was actually getting help. She had opened up to someone. Even if he had said and thought it so many times, right now in this moment he meant it more than ever. She'll be okay.

The next morning, he woke up because something seemed wrong. As he opened his eyes he saw the other side of the bed empty. He immediately sat up straight, wondering where Meredith was before he suddenly remembered what happened the previous day. He sighed, slowly dropping back onto the mattress. She was in the hospital because she collapsed of dehydration. How could this happen? How couldn't he notice that she hadn't drunk anything for too long?! 

TO BE CONTINUED...