Revive [Harry Styles]

Chapter Forty

No. No. No. No. What did I do? Why am I here right now. Harry. He needs to come back. I fall to the floor feeling dizzy and angry and sad. What did I do what did I do? No I can't just sit here and cry I need to go to Harry.

"Jesse come on" Nathan tries to help me get up but I yank my arm out from his reach. He looks slightly hurt.

"What happend last night!" I yell at him.

"Calm down. You called me thinking I was Harry then you hurt yourself so I went to help you I brought you back here because I needed to stitch your hand and you had glass all over the floor" I try to remember everything but I don't his words come like a story to me. A story that I don't remember. I don't understand it. I look down at my hand and sure enough it's wrapped in a white clothe thing.

"Thank you" I tell him shorty.

"I didn't mean to freak you out or for this to be a surprise but Harry kept calling you worried about you so I told him you're over here safe" he looks down at his hands and I immediately feel like shit.

"I'm sorry I just I- Harry I really need to explain to Harry" he doesn't look hurt by the words one bit. He kind of looks relifed.

"Go be careful Jesse please and call me if you need anything." I nod my head and he gives me my phone. I slip it into the sweats. He kisses my forhead softly before turing away. I don't have time to reply because my heart is running out the door.

I'm not wearing any shoes and I keep going. I see Louis, Liam, and Niall all yelling at eachother. I look more up and see Harry walking away not to far away.

"Jesse wait you shouldn't. He's mad right now" Louis says. He looks tired and hurt.

"I have to I need to talk to him" I rush the words out and start running again. I hear them call my name and say "she's just like him."

Harry doesn't notice I'm come he keeps walking and since he has such long legs. I notice him slow down and that's when I yell his name. "Harry!" At first I don't think he heard me until he turns around slowly. I run and run right into his arms I swing my arms around his neck and take deep breaths tired.

He doesn't hug me back. I didn't expect him to honestly. I just needed him to stop walking. It feels like he'd move any minute but he doesn't. He stays still. Neither us saying a word. I try and calm down my breathing but it only gets worse. So I snuggle my head deep into his chest and listen to his heart beat. I smell his cologne and try to relax myself. Then I feel his arms wrap around me and he starts doing little circles on my back. Then my breathing calms down and I smile. He's what I need.

"God this is gonna be a problem" he says while he lays his head on top of mine.

"Why?"

"Look at this.. I was just pissed mad at you and here you are in my arms and I wouldn't want to let you go. I can't stay mad at you its like you're my weakness. Jesse I just I need to tell you something.." That's when I let him go and look into his eyes. I'm scared he might just say he can't deal with this anymore.

"Wait let me go first I.. You deserve an expiation for everything and I'm gonna tell you" I say the words fast so I can't take it back. I made up my mind and I can't back down now. "Let's just find a place to talk" he nods his head.

We keep walking in silence. At some point we reach some stairs that looks like it leads to a dirt road. "Do you want to just sit down here?" I ask him.  He nods his head and we sit down on one of the steps. I take a deep breath before even thinking about saying anything.

"I don't know where to start.." I look at my hands and start playing with them. If I don't tell him he might leave forever. I need him more than I thought I did.

"Jesse if you're not ready then you don't have to-" I cut him off before he makes me change my mind.

"No I made up my mind. I'm just nervous I haven't really told anyone this" I tuck my hair behind my hair, I'm sure it looks like a birds nest.

"When I was little. Well ever since I can remember my parents would fight all the time. Yelling at eachother about different things. My dad would usually end up slapping my mom or kicking her then he would he uh he would drag her to their room and hurt her." Build up tears form in my eyes and I try everything to just push it down. "I would cover my ears and lock myself in the closet till it stopped. I cried and cried.

Then suddenly it stopped I over heard my dad tell my mom he had to go into town and wouldn't be back for a week. I thought my mom and I were finally gonna have peace you know just us too. The very next morning I woke up to my mom banging stuff in her room. When I opened the door she had trashed the house and had her stuff in a suit case. I didn't know what she was doing.. She said dad called her and told her to meet him. I was five at the time I begged her not to go I got on my hands and knees and begged her" the tears are free flowing now and I feel Harry grab and hand.

"You wanna know what she told me she said 'It's all your fault me and your dad used to love eachother till you came along I wish I would of had an abortion you're a waste of space and I will never love you' she shut the door on my face and that's the last time I ever saw her." I remember it so clearly like it happend yesterday. The look on her face. Like I was a disgrace to her. I was nothing. I never noticed it till that very day.

"My dad he came home and was furious. He was banging his fist on the wall throwing things just like my mother. For a couple of years he barely even knew I existed. He would drink all the time and when he wasn't drinking he was doing drugs. When I was about seven he started.. looking at me different. Kept mentioning how older I looked.." the words fight to get up my throat fight to be heard. A feeling of nausea sweep past me. And soon my eyes grow more and more tired I can't.  I regret the words that slip through my lips. I regret telling another living soul my problem. I regret not getting better on my own. I regret everything.

"Hey its okay look at me you don't need to keep going" Harrys voice sounds so far away and a piercing ring is clouding my hearing. I feel him push me to his chest to hug me but it doesn't feel like he's touching me. I've grown numb and I can't feel him.

My mind is swirling of memories that I wish I could erase. Sometimes I wish I would get into a really bad accident that wipes my memory clean. That way I wouldn't be so damaged that way I wouldn't be here right now crying into Harrys chest. Maybe we'd be out doing normal things like going on hikes and picnics. I wouldn't have to worry about my body flinching or the memories that follow me every where. He wouldn't have to be taking care of a girl who's like this. Like me. It'll be different. It'll all be different.

I stay numb in Harrys arms. I'm still crying but I don't even feel the tears now. And I don't if he's holding me for me or he's holding me for him. I don't even want to lift my head up because I'm scared of the expression he's gonna have. The pity in his eyes the same thing I saw in my mom's eyes. Am I disgusting? Should I die?