Revive [Harry Styles]

Chapter Forty-Two

My eyes slowly open up when feel my body being placed on something soft. My eyes shut again feel incredibly heavy. I don't even have the strength to open my eyes. It feel like somethings holding it down. My mind wonders back to the previous events that just happend. I told Harry. I told him and he held me he didn't leave or push me away like I thought he would he held me.

I hear glass being picked up and I know Harrys cleaning the mess I made the last night. I listen to his footsteps for a while. It makes me feel safe.. Like he's still here with me. But all of the sudden it goes silent. No movement nothing. Maybe he's planning on leaving silently. I force my eyes to open and see him gripping the counter his knuckles are turning white.

I get up and slowly walk towards him. I place my hand on his hopefully he'll let his tight grip go. And he does. He let's go but he doesn't turn to look at me.

"What's wrong?" I ask him softly. I don't want him to hear the question but he does.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that are you okay?" I flinch at his tone and at his choice of words. Am I okay?

"I'm fine just a little tired" I see by the way his jaw clinches he doesn't like what I just said either. But what does he want me to say? 'I feel like shit I always feel like shit I'm a waste of space I don't want to be here.. distract me' but I can't say that I choose I'm fine. I reach for a glass so I could drink water. My throat feels like it's closing in.

"I was gonna run you a bath and maybe cook for us just so you could you know relax" his voice seems unsure and my body grows more and more tense. I can't stand here anymore. He's acting like I'm some un know creature. And I know he won't leave so why not bring people in it'll settle the tension.

"A bath sounds good but you can't cook if your life depended on it and I still owe all the guys a dinner for two weeks so invite everyone please while I go shower" I don't wait for his reply because I'm sure he'd say no.

But he can't even look at me. He can't even turn his head slightly to at least acknowledge I'm there. This is why I didn't tell him sooner. Why I didn't pour my heart out earlier. It hurts to know the guy I lov- wait. No. I don't. I don't why did I almost say love. I slam my door shut and crouch down to hold my hurting heart. Every times it beats it feels like a knife being stabbed in. I can't love him. The pain in my chest grows and I curl up in a little ball. I keep my sobs silent so Harry won't come up.

If I love him that means I'm vulnerable. I feel weak around him. Like he could take me as his. And it scares me. What if I can't come back? People stepping all over me.. Seeing me weak. I built up this wall that he tore down.

The pain subsides a little and I run the bath for me. But before I could even get in I throw up. My chest feels like it's gonna explode and my heart is going to burst out.

I slip all my clothes off and get into the bubbled water. I let the water over take my senses. My muscles relax and the pain in my chest is less achie. I could stay here forever and forget about everything about all my problems about all my thoughts that consume my every day life. But I can't or else I'll turn into a raisin so I enjoy the time I can stay in here.

Harry he makes me feel safe like I can finally breathe. It's different safe from how my gramps made me feel. I safe that I never thought I'd have. A safe I've never even felt. Something you've only seen in movies. And that's what scares me. It's a movie; it doesn't exsit. No one has a happy ending or at least I don't have happy endings.

My head hurt so bad. So I let myself sink into the water. I take one deep breath and sink. My whole life has been pain up until gramps but it went from pain to horrible memories horrible things that haunt me. That I'm never gonna forget. And Harry stepped into my life and he made me forget even if it was a second for and hour. He helped me forget all of it. And damn it I love him. I love him with all my heart. I love him and nothing is gonna change that even if I tried. Even if I try to hid it I do.