This Time

|1| UNANG KABANATA

AIDEN

Walking into the room as quietly as possible because of the currently sleeping girl on the bed at the side of the room, I placed down my duffle bag and luggage, trying not to make a noise. The side of her room was already decorated, and her things were neatly placed. I'm assuming she arrived maybe a few days earlier.
 
The room consisted of two single beds, one on each side, with two pillows and a comforter. We have our own side tables with a small lamp and our own two-door wardrobe. The walls are painted plain white, the floor is decorated with wooden tiles, and two windows are hidden behind big curtains.
 
What made me uncomfortable was the single bathroom I would be sharing with my now-supposed roommate. Although I appreciate the dean's thoughtfulness and concern, I still wasn't comfortable with the fact that I would be sharing a room with a girl. 
 
"Your parents have informed me about your situation, and you requested a dormitory room along with the males," the dean said as he fixed his glass. "But you identify as a woman, is that right?"
 
Looking down at my intertwined hands, I gave him a shy nod. "Yes, sir," I mumbled.
 
"Then wouldn't it be natural for you to dorm with females?"
 
I get his point, but I wouldn't want someone to feel violated because they are roomed with a female that has a male genital. Every time someone finds out about the thing between my legs, especially a girl,and remembers and remembers the times they were remotely close to me, they get freaked out. Others made their uneasiness about it obvious, while some were respectful enough to remain neutral, although the look in their eyes told me enough. They were disgusted by it. 
 
What made my situation worse was my attraction towards women, which wasn't a secret to thehigh school high school I attended. Girls thoughtthought I would come on to them all the time. And when that happens, it makes me feel like a predator. I hated it.
 
"I don't really want to freak them out," I answered nervously with a slight chuckle, rubbing my hands on my thighs. 
 
"And what would freak them out?" When I didn't answer, because it's pretty much self-explanatory, he continued. "Your genital?"
 
"It makes them uncomfortable; I'm a girl with a penis. It's not normal," I let out, frustrated at having to say it as I avoid any topics discussing my anatomy.
 
"That sounds like their problem, isn't itisn't it? Your anatomy doesn't determine your gender, Aiden. If being a woman feels right to you, then that's what your gender is, regardless of your physical anatomy. Don't let othersothers make you feel like you're not. And as much as I want to give in to your request, I would have to decline. You're going to share a room with a woman, because you are one."
 
"Apart from that, this is college, Aiden, not high schoolhigh school. You are all adults now; bullying won't be tolerated in this university."
 
Sighing, I began fixing up my side of the room.
 
My parents, just like the dean, always tell me how my anatomy doesn't define my gender, but no matter how much I hear it, I still don't believe them. Maybe it's because they are my parents; it's their job to say that to me. It's their responsibility to accept me. But how could they when everyone around us doesn't? 
 
I tried living as a boy; when I was 15, I told them I wanted to be one. Because it makes more sense to me to have surgery to remove my growing breasts, be with a girl, and have children with them as a man. But as time passed, I became more and more depressed; the thought of being a boy didn't feel right. I didn't want to be called a boy or a man; I didn't want people to use the he and him pronouns on me; I didn't want to be called a sir or be addressed with words related to a man. But I also didn't want to have surgery to remove my male genital. 
 
Once, I told mom I wanted to have the surgery. I was already at the hospital bed, getting rolled in inside the operating room, but before I could get in, I burst out crying and begging my mom and dad to take me home. 
 
I don't understand why I can't remove the only part that's preventing me from becoming a woman. 
 
"Hi!" I jumped up in shock, turning to see the girl sitting up, looking at me with a smile. She chuckled at my reaction. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
 
"Hi," I greeted back shyly. 
 
"I'm Lexie Lewis." She stood up, reaching out a hand to me.
 
I accepted it reluctantly: "Aiden Guevarra." 
 
"That's a nice name, very gender-neutral." I shifted on my foot nervously when she sat on my bed this time. "Do you want some help?"
 
"No," I shook my head, turning red. She was asking about helping me with my clothes, and having a penis means I wear men's boxers. I don't think she wants to see that. "Thank you."
 
"Are you sure?" she confirmed, and I nodded again. "Okay, wanna grab lunch with me after then?"
 
I frowned down at my hands, remembering the time I got asked that same question by a girl, but as soon as she found out about my penis, I wasn't a friend to her anymore. 
 
"Pleeease? We're roommates from now on, so we should be friends." She persisted, and I couldn't find the heart to reject her. 
 
It's not like this will last; I'm pretty sure she would regret befriending me. 
 
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Giving one more look at my perfectly aligned books in alphabetical order, I turned to Lexie, who's waiting for me patiently as I was finishing up. I gave her a nod, and we talked—more like she did while I listened—all the way to the elevator. She was very talkative, which is something I admire in people. I don't know how they don't run out of things to say. And to someone they barely know. In her case, she doesn't actually know me. 
 
"I'm just really passionate about it, you know. And I'm glad my mom isn't interfering with my love for writing. Most parents wouldn't want their child to be a writer or anything that isn't related to medicine or something," she rumbled on.
 
"I'm glad you're taking your dream course," I commented, not looking like a snob with just nodding and mumbling a few words of agreement. 
 
"How about you? What are you taking?" She questioned.
 
"Nursing," I answered. "My mother was a nurse, and I really admire what they do, so I wanted to be one."
 
Mama was a very kind and hard-working nurse; she enjoyed her work despite nurses in the Philippines being undervalued. Although they are overworked in the hospital, they are still underpaid. I asked why she just didn't go abroad to earn more, and she said she didn't want to leave me. 
 
Working a 12-hour shift at the hospital already lessened our time spent together; Mama didn't want to add going abroad to it. 
 
Now that she's not doing her dream job, I'll be doing it for her. 
 
"It's a very commendable job." She smiled genuinely. "But is it what you really want?" 
 
I nodded, because, strangely, it is what I want. "Yes, I'm sure."
 
"That's good; your mom must be very proud of you."
 
Only giving a smile in return, we entered the cafeteria, where she said she was going to introduce me to her friends. We approached the table occupied by two people, a boy and a girl, who seemed engaged in a heated argument.
 
"I'm telling you, Supercorp is the endgame!" The girl stressed out, hands flailing around. 
 
"No, it's Karamel. It's obvious from the very start they met! They were in love," the guy said. 
 
"Yeah, right, you just can't accept that Supergirl and Lena might be bisexual!"
 
"They're friends!"
 
"Children," Lexie said, shaking her head, making both of them turn to look at us. "Stop the stupid argument and meet my new friend, Aiden Guevarra. Aiden, this is my stupid best friend, Zoey Taylor, and my equally stupid boyfriend, Julius Scott."
 
"You can call me Juls." The guy smiled. 
 
"Just Zoey, my name is already short for a nickname. But feel free to give me one." The girl smiled sweetly. 
 
"Nice to meet you," I muttered, rubbing my hands on the side of my jeans. 
 
I might as well try, right? They don't seem bad. 
 
They asked me a few questions, avoiding personal ones, which I was glad about, while they also told me about themselves. Their friend group doesn't seem so bad; they were pretty cool too.
 
Julius even treated all of us to lunch, including me, whom they don't really know. It feels nice to be treated like a normal person. Although it usually starts like this, when they are still unaware of my situation, Once they do find out, they will leave. It's what everyone did. But I don't blame them.
 
"Yow, you all see that beautiful professor?" Julius exclaimed, staring somewhere ahead of me. 
 
"Well damn, I hope I'm in her class. I wonder what her name is," Zoey added, also staring. 
 
Lexie and I turned to look behind. It was the same person I called gorgeous in the elevator earlier. She must've felt eyes staring at her; coincidentally, her eyes met mine. I quickly looked away when a look of recognition passed through her eyes, giving me a smile. 

She has a beautiful smile.

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Votes and comments will truly be appreciated. Thank you for reading.

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A/N: I'm an indecisive bxtch, instead of continuing this next year, I will be updating both AE and TT at the same time.

P.S. Forgot to include that what I wrote where Aiden believes removing her male genital will make her a woman is purely out of her own insecurities and does not mean that women with male genitals aren't women. Because they are. We don't tolerate transphobia in this story <3

Enjoy and stay safe y'all <3