This Time

|20| IKA-DALAWAMPUNG KABANATA

— AMAYAH —

12 years, I've been with the same man. We met when I was 22, I was still at the peak of my life. New job, new place, living with a pet and trying to survive without my parents' help. A year into the relationship when I got pregnant with our son, something we both didn't plan but chose to stick with.

At the age of 24 I wedded my husband whom I believed was the love of my life.  Our marriage was great, we were in love, we were content and we were happy with just the three of us. I used to dream of growing old with him and watching as our son starts the journey of his own life.

6 years into our marriage when I noticed the sudden change. I'd wake up in the morning with him still asleep and I would sleep at night with him still at work. Our schedules never matched and we became so busy with our work that a simple 'good morning' exchange never happened.

Breakfast and lunch became something we did separately and dinner was never the same. It wasn't filled with laughs and affection but replaced with silence after asking each other's day. Our answers would be brief and short and the few times of us sleeping together in the same bed would end up with the two of us on the opposite sides, away from each other, and without a single touch.

No more making love, no more 'I love you's' every morning, no more kisses before leaving for work, no more hugs from behind everytime he gets home. It felt like living with a stranger.

None of us did something about it. I don't particularly know the reason why but that arrangement lasted for years. I guess we were too preoccupied with ourselves to try to fix what we have. We neglected our marriage and let the distance grow bigger.

2 years of living in the same house but barely interacting when I broke the
silence between us. Couple therapy, marriage counseling, we tried everything to make our relationship work again.

None of those worked.

A year of trying but hopelessly failing when my husband told me he met someone. He wore the same smile he used to have with me as he told me about the woman who now occupies his heart. He wanted to end what we have, but I wanted to give it another chance.

Another year after that, I'm still fighting for my marriage while my husband already gave up. He already found someone he's in love with and I should accept that fact. I should accept the fact that the person whom I believed was the love of my life and been with for 12 years was actually someone else's.

It was hard to let go of someone you've been used to.

Although a few months in, I realized that maybe I should finally stop. Maybe I should try to give myself a chance to be happy with somebody else. Someone who appreciates me, cares for me, worries about me, someone who will love me.

The person whom I thought was the love of my life made me realized that maybe we weren't really each other's soulmate. And that's okay. Because as he finally found his, I'm trying to accept mine.

Is it wrong of me to have feelings for someone I shouldn't have?

Lying has never been my strong suit. The first time I met her, my eyes already drank in the magnificent sight. I'd be lying if I said I didn't find her attractive, because she is. From her eyes, to her lips, strong jawline, long legs and a body seemingly mixed of being both feminine and masculine. The hardness of her biceps and abdomen along with the soft feel of her hands and touch.

Despite the darkness of her eyes, the warmth and softness shines through everytime she looks at me. Her lips would form a cute pout whenever she's being teased and would frown when she doesn't like something. Her hands are soft and warm, calming me after every embrace we shared.