Reapers

Chapter 38: None of it is Fair

CW: Roman's hella depressed at the end of the chapter

"When do you plan on going back?" Death asked.

Virgil sat curled up on the couch in their office, shrouded by his cloak and hood. Black hair fell in front of his eyes that were staring at nothing in particular.

"I don't know," he answered softly.

Death sighed, walking over and sitting down next to him. They pulled him into a hug and he closed his eyes as he leaned against their shoulder. Their cold skin was dark today, their hair a frizzy afro.

"Janus reports that he, Remus, and Sal have been watching over him. But you should go back eventually."

"Do I have to?"

"I won't force you to, but I feel like he deserves at least some sort of closure if nothing else."

"If I go back, I'm afraid I won't be able to leave. Or worse... he'll hate me."

"I don't think he could. From what I heard, you two have gotten close. You moved in with him, and spent some of your vacation time at a theme park with him. You've only ever spent your vacation time with one other person."

"Why did Roman have to be Romulus? Why did I have to fall in love with him twice?" The back of Virgil's eyes stung as tears threatened to come out. "I seem to have the worst luck."

"I can't tell you why Romulus did the things he's done, and I can't tell you why Roman has done the things he's done. Just like I can't tell you why you feel the way you do, or why these things happen. I can tell you that this doesn't have to be a bad thing. Whatever happens next, you could make it a positive thing."

Virgil curled up tighter in himself. "I just want to know why Romulus left me. B-but I'm too afraid of the answer."

The conversation Virgil had with Romulus played in his mind as if it happened yesterday.

"Virgil..." Romulus started, taking Virgil's hand in his own as they sat together on the marble bench. "This is going to be hard for me to say... but I want to reincarnate."

Virgil frowned, fighting to keep himself from pulling his hand away. "What?"

"I want to live again, be born again. I feel like it's time."

"Wh-why? There's no way you'll make it back to Elysium! No one believes in the roman gods anymore!"

"Please try to understand, there's nothing for me here-"

Virgil finally pulled away as if Romulus's touch was fire, standing up from the bench to properly face him. "I'm here! I've been here for thousands of years! I get it, I know I've been busy but-" Virgil ran his hand through his hair as he gathered his thoughts. "But I'm still here! We can still see each other! Now more than ever!"

"Virgil-" Romulus tried to reason.

"No! I just... Why do... Was it me? Did I do something wrong?"

Romulus stood up and tried to walk towards him, but Virgil hugged himself and turned away. "No, of course not! You never did anything wrong, if anything you've been amazing! But I've been here for almost two thousand years now, I want something new! Something different."

Virgil desperately tried to keep his tears back, but the pain in his chest was a greater pain than any other that he has known. "I'm sorry that I can't be that something then."

Virgil had learned not long after he left that Romulus had left. Reincarnated. At first he couldn't believe it and had searched all over Elysium, even the Island of the Blessed. Then he searched the Asphodel Fields, but couldn't bring himself to search Tartarus. He knew Romulus wouldn't have been found there anyway.

Then he was angry. Really angry. He had cursed out Romulus, cursed out the gods for allowing this. He had never been so upset. Once the flames of his anger died out though, he became desperate. At that point he knew he was dealing with the stages of grief, but he couldn't find himself to care. He would have done anything to get Romulus back, anything.

And when everything seemed to fail he became numb. He started to slack off on his job, but it seemed Death understood. They had let him stay in their office, like they are doing now. It had taken a few years before he reached acceptance, but when he did he found he still had bitter feelings towards the whole ordeal.

Of course Death has always been the most patient being ever, and gentle too. Their touch might always feel like ice, but Virgil preferred it. Even now, on the edge of spiralling through his thoughts, their touch kept him tethered.

"Roman isn't Romulus, he's a different person now," Death told him. "But some part of him will always be Romulus, just like some part of him is his other past life. I'm sure you've noticed both the similarities and differences. Maybe the dreams he's been having haven't stopped, and maybe he knows why Romulus chose to reincarnate."

"That just makes me want to never go back even more. I don't know if I want to know why he left me."

"I'm sure Roman wants to know your side of the story. He's probably worried about you, and he would probably like to see you again."

"I can't go back." Virgil buried his face further into his arms. "Sum ignavus." (I am a coward).

"You are many things, but a coward is not one. In the end, I know you always do what is right, even if you're afraid. I trust your judgment on this. And if you feel like you shouldn't return to Roman, even though I feel different, then I won't force you to return to him. I can have you stationed somewhere else." Virgil remained quiet, lost in thought. Death sighed again before getting up. "I have to get back to work. Don't... Just make sure you do what you feel like you can."

The purple reaper nodded, staring at the carpet in the middle of the room. His eyes followed the pattern on it, but his mind was somewhere else. He had to make a decision soon. Will he be the one to leave first this time?

~~~

Roman woke up feeling sluggish again. He couldn't care less about the dream he had anymore, thinking about it only made him sad. He still had to get up and go to work, but he really didn't want to.

He slowly pushed himself up and painstakingly got dressed. He used makeup to cover the dark circles under his eyes, and tried to smile in the mirror, but he still looked tired. Hopefully when he gets to work he'll be better at it, especially when he leaves to go to rehearsal.

When he finally left his room, he made sure to look at the ground so he wouldn't have to see Virgil's room. Or old room. It'll take awhile for him to get used to that, but he did once and hopefully he can again. He'll have to, since there's no sign of Virgil coming back.

He knew the others were watching over him, Sal has even done her best to help make him feel better. He had to tell Logan and Patton that Virgil had gone home for a family emergency, and while alone he told Patton what had happened without telling him about Romulus, he didn't think Virgil would have appreciated it. Patton is still holding onto hope that Virgil will return and explain what happened.

Virgil still hasn't contacted anyone, Janus had suggested to give him some time to think. Well, it was easier to believe he was never coming back. That way Roman won't be waiting forever for someone that won't return.

It's not the first time Roman's been heart broken. Aside from his only family dying, Roman has dealt with break ups and rejection. This wasn't even anything that bad, Virgil and him were just friends. He lost a friend, and while that hurt, it wasn't the worst thing that has happened.

So why did it hurt so badly? Why did it feel like he lost everything? He hadn't even known Virgil for that long! Only a handful of months. Sure they knew each other in a past life, and had fallen in love, but that wasn't Roman. So why does it hurt to be abandoned by him?

Roman sighed, shaking the thoughts out of his head. He couldn't be thinking about that now, it wouldn't do any good. He just had to get through another day.