Monster's Daughter (Legacies Fanfic)

Talk

"Hope, what are you doing here we don't have a session today " Cami looks up from the papers cluttered on her desk

"Are you free?" I stand in the door frame wondering if I should go through with talking to her.

"Yes" She answers shocked that I came here out of free will.

I take a seat on the comfy sofa I usually lounge on and give vague answers,but now that I plan to talk truely and freely every bone constricts. A pit that sits in my stomach most days grows and hurts. Almost to the point of tears.

 An anxious feeling so indescribable it make me want clench into a ball on the ground or hide behind my hands. But instead of either of those I cross my legs and "act like a lady" however it provides little to no comfort.

Cami shuts the door and takes a seat across from me with her notepad waiting for me to speak.

"I'm not here because I'm falling apart.....I'm here because not telling you things is killing Josie, and she doesn't deserve any of this." I look at my palms so that I'm not making eye contact with Cami

"Perhaps, or maybe you wanted this all along and just needed a reason to over come your fear of vunerablity"Cami states

"Sure whatever or maybe it just wasn't cool having the whole circus come down here from New Orleans and anywhere else in the world" I roll my eyes lifting my head for a second

"Why do you keep refering to your family as a circus"Cami questions

"Seriously...you want to wonder why I call me family a circus and not why I'm here" I laugh sarcasticly

"I would like to know both, but first why do you call your family a circus."

"Well whenever they come to town everyone knows and its always a huge thing,and don't get me wrong I love them but sometimes they just make things worse...its like a circus because to everyone around here sees them as freaks, they see us as freaks but they are too scared to say it but you can feel it, you can see the fear in the first years eyes when you pass them in halls and the alienation that is almost instinctual when the reach middle school and looks of hate when they reach highschool." I pop my fingers trying to block out the fact that I'm here.

"From what your file says you, you seem to be the one alienating" Cami scribbles something down

"Yes, because if I act like I care what they think I'm safe they can't dump the pigs blood on my head if I don't even go to the dance" I peel paint off my nails.

"True, but you aren't in a Stephen King book" 

"Might as well be I mumble"

"Is this what happened with Roman Sienna" She answers back writting more down.

"We are on good terms now" I counter defensively

"How so" She asks in a neutral tone

"He is just as guilty as I am" I nod still looking down

"Why do you believe you are guilty" She adds

No one has ever asked me why before. I've only been told to feel guilty or not guilty and it sure as hell is easier to feel guilty about it.

"I kidnapped my own mother, who the fuck does that" I whisper tears running down my face.

She gets up from her chair and takes a seat next to me.

"Hope its not your fault, no one blames you for what you did, you did this to see your father." She holds my shaky hand

"But people died and someone has to be responcibl-How could I sleep spell my mother in hopes I could see my deadbeat dad who-who never cared enough to call, it was selfish" I cry

"Hope you're a kid carrying the weight of the world cut yourself some slack," She trys to reason

"I know I'm trying because by blaming myself I damning my father" I cry 

"This is not all your fault" She hands me a tissue

"I know but sometimes it feels like it is"I wipe my nose and rub my eyes with my sleeve.

"What did you come in here to tell me before" She asks cautiously after a minute or so

"I came in here earlier because-becauese I wanted to use again." I look up at her but then look away

She says nothing so I glimpse up at her face.

I wasn't one of anger or of pity it was like she was processing.

I look down

"What stopped you" She asks calmly

"I-I-I walk over to Josies room and she holds me until I fall asleep." I reply embarressed 

"Okay" she nods "Do you know what triggers you to want them or is it often on your mind"

"I don't know.....I think about them when I'm Scared or I just don't want to think or care anymore" I bow my head

"Okay everytime you feel scared or just like you don't want to care anymore, I want you to come down here and when I'm free we can talk and discuss more coping strategies," She responds 

"Ok" I nod wipping my eyes and gathering my things

"Take it easy" Her eyes meet mine as I exit the room.

"I will try" 

"Thats all I ask" She looks at me sympathetically