𝖍𝖝𝖍 𝖔𝖓𝖊𝖘𝖍𝖔𝖙𝖘

Coping

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Summary: Everyone has different coping mechanisms for dealing with loss. Gon and Killua are quite different as well.

Author: Solstice51 (on o3)

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Someone pounded on the door and Killua jumped awake, looking around his small apartment. The banging was a constant and he swore it sounded like someone was trying to break in. He stood up to deal with the intruder, his feet padding quietly through the house. Didn't robbers know by now that breaking into his house was one of the worst things they could possibly attempt?

He peered through peephole at the person banging on the door. He was met with scared and tearful brown eyes and spiky, dark hair. Killua frowned and unlocked the door. The second he opened it, Gon pushed past him. "I left her!" he shouted.

Killua blinked in surprise as Gon ran into his living room and began looking in the couch. "You left something?" he asked slowly.

"I left her when we were hanging out!" Gon shouted.

The puzzle pieces clicked in Killua's head. So that's what Gon was looking for. He went join Gon by the couch. He peered underneath the sofa at the dusty floor and spotted the picture frame. He pulled it out and held it out to his friend. Gon gasped as the photo was held out to him and he grabbed it, holding it tight against his chest. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean to leave you."

Killua stood from where he'd been kneeling and went to close the still open door. "You could've called and warned me you were coming," he said.

"There wasn't anytime for that. I needed to get her back home safe and sound as quick as possible," Gon answered. Killua turned around and saw his friend sitting on the couch, gently wiping the picture frame. "Sorry, Aunt Mito," he whispered to it quietly.

Killua knew they all had different coping mechanisms and this was Gon's. Honestly, he preferred it to the rage and revenge from three years ago. He walked over and gently took a seat next to Gon. "It's been one year now, hasn't it?"

Gon nodded. "And it's been one and a half for you, right?" Killua nodded. Gon laughed shortly. "I guess I really do bring bad luck with me wherever I go, huh?"

"No, don't say that. Alluka couldn't have been prevented as much as I wish it could've. I spent so much money hoping to find someone to help her and even the doctors in the Hunters' Association said she was beyond hope. I was just trying to delay the inevitable," Killua answered. "So it's not your fault. Neither of those were. Your aunt was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and Alluka just had a bit of bad luck. It was her bad luck, not yours."

"But if I'd been there with her-" Gon started.

"Neither of you would be here," Killua answered, cutting him off gently.

Gon bit his lip. He looked down at the picture of his aunt. "Yeah, I guess you're right. But it still hurts."

"Of course it does, idiot," Killua laughed. "You can't get over something in just a year. In fact, I doubt you can ever really get over something. I think there will always be a lingering pain. You just learn to live with it."

"I didn't hurt this bad when Kite died," Gon whispered.

"Of course it didn't. Kite was dear to you but Aunt Mito raised you. She was like a mother to you. It was bound to hurt more when she died. After all, it hurt me so much when Alluka passed but it wouldn't hurt nearly as much if Illumi or Milluki died."

"I know," Gon whispered. "But I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm hanging onto this picture of her because I can't imagine life without her. I can't imagine life getting any worse."

Killua shrugged. "It always can. Trust me. I know."

"But you're accustomed to dealing with pain. You know how to deal with it. I don't," Gon said softly.

Killua flinched. He knew Gon hadn't meant it as an insult or anything but it still hurt. "Yeah, well, all that means is I've dealt with worse than you, right?"

Gon shrugged. "I guess. But how did you deal with Alluka's death?"

Killua sighed and brought his knees up to his chest. "Not well. I know I seem so put together on the outside but I'm not. I have a good poker face. Too good, sometimes."

Gon frowned. "But you didn't carry around a picture or anything. That's better than me, right?"

"No, it's not. I'm not coping nearly as well as you," Killua answered softly. He gently pulled the sleeve of his night shirt down his hand a little more.

Gon's eyes narrowed in on the action and he placed the photo down on the couch beside him. He reached over and gently pulled Killua's arm away from around his leg. Killua let him because he didn't care at this point. Gon slowly pulled Killua's sleeve up, exposing scar after scar after scar. They covered his wrist and forearm, ranging from deep cuts to shallower scratches. Gon's eyes narrowed and his lips pressed tighter together.

"Carrying a picture around is a million times better than this. See?" Killua asked.

Gon gently traced a finger over one of the cuts, his touch feather light. "Why would you..."

Killua shrugged. "The stinging kept me grounded. It still does. I figure as long as I don't cut my arm off, it's not the end of the world."

"But it is!" Gon shouted, his grip tightening on Killua's arm. "You're hurting yourself!"

Killua shrugged. "I've been hurt before. I've nearly died more times than I can count and almost all of those were at the hands of my family."

"But that's different! That isn't intentional! I hate your family for what they've done to you! They've hurt you and tortured you and done all sorts of things! I hate anyone that hurts you! Don't make me hate you too."

Killua blinked in surprise. It was like he heard the words but his brain didn't know how to process what he'd heard. However, he was able to process Gon holding onto his arm like a stuffed animal. He held it close against him and leaned his head on Killua's shoulder.

Killua smirked. "That's kinda gay, Gon," he teased.

"Don't care," Gon mumbled. "If it stops Killua from hurting himself, I'll do anything."

Killua closed his eyes and leaned his head on Gon's. "You're warm," he murmured. He could feel himself being lulled into sleep. Even when they were traveling together, he had always been able to fall asleep beside Gon.

He wasn't at all surprised when he woke up in the morning and found the both of them tangled together on the couch.