𝖍𝖝𝖍 𝖔𝖓𝖊𝖘𝖍𝖔𝖙𝖘

drawing hearts in the byline

Top ???

Bottom ???

Summary:  Killua and Gon. Gon and Killua. Made by all of the stars themselves to be loved by one another. Gon had called them soulmates, once.

So no, it wasn't always like this.

Author: killuaz0ldyckz (on ao3)

angst :( 

🎣 ⚡

__________________

It wasn't always like this.

In fact, it felt like only yesterday he and Gon would be running around chasing each other with food, smothering each other in kisses, fighting over who loves who more, bickering about the terrible acting in old Disney movies ("It's obvious she's not even playing the piano! At least get an educated person!" he would shout, to which Gon would soothingly rub his arm and say, "Kil~lu~a, it's only a Disney movie, okay? It's okay.") because of course they would, they were Killua and Gon, after all.

Killua and Gon. Gon and Killua. Made by all of the stars themselves to be loved by one another. Gon had called them soulmates, once.

So no, it wasn't always like this.

In the past, Killua would poke and pull at Gon any time he'd try to concentrate and end up on the ground being tickled. Now, though, there was this strange emptiness in Gon's eyes. His smiles never reached his eyes, once a lucid caramel brown, dripping in sweetness and glory. They were void. They reminded Killua of how his eyes had once dully shone before meeting Gon. And for years their eyes sparkled together like two delicate stars twinkling in the never-ending darkness of the sky. His eyes used to hold light. Light Killua slowly watched fade as he noticed a dip in Gon's presence at home. He came and went, now, often only seeing Killua once a week in their tiny shared apartment and forgetting to say 'I love you' back as he walked out the door again. But it was okay, Killua reminded himself. He wouldn't be hurt. He'll be fine. Gon just needs some space, that's it. Yes, he just needs to find his light again. Killua only let it slightly tear at his heart that we wasn't happiest when with him.

He took it upon himself to make a hobby out of cleaning. He'd polish every surface and scrub at dishes and wipe every window clean until his knuckles bled but it was okay because maybe, just maybe, it would bring the smallest bit of happiness back to those eyes he adored. He taught himself to draw in his free time, often picturing moments of Gon in his head and gently placing them on paper, pristine and delicate; every angle of his chin was gently traced with a finger, every wisp of hair was sharp and kind, the kind of contradiction that could perfectly describe the boy he would always love, no matter how far off he got. No matter how badly it hurt, Killua would smile for Gon with as much love as Gon had shown him over the years and pray it might just be enough to bring back his warmth. On the few nights they did sleep in the same bed, curled together on old habit, his body was always so cold. Killua would shiver and pull the blankets up a bit further, hoping his beloved could feel the warmth above his bone-shattering, ice cold pain. Or whatever it was causing his walls to build higher.

Killua didn't mind. He'd find a way to break them down again, even if it did make him feel like a kid.

He'd get his Gon back. His love would be celebrated again one day, and no longer merely tolerated.

***

"Big Brother, I haven't seen you in so much pain since the first time you lost Gon. Please, will you tell me what's happening with you?"

Alluka's calming voice coaxed him out of his dreamlike stance, memories of Gon's smile and promises of the future still gliding around his mind. Her question caught him off-guard, causing him to look at her obliviously. "What? I'm totally fine Alluka. Can't you tell? Didn't I just tell you about my new hobbies?"