Memories | Sanjoong

24. Tell Me Why

*
if you tell the truth
you don't have to remember anything
*

"Would you just listen to me?" he said, voice trembling. "You wanted to know... but when I tell you the truth you won't listen to me."

"Go on then, tell me what the hell is wrong with you?" Another voice shouted back.

"I... I just-"

"See? You can't even say it. You have ten seconds before I walk out of that door and I'm not coming back. I won't be there to listen to you then."

"Don't leave..."

-

San woke up, his eyes aching. Had he been crying in his sleep again? He looked around, noticing that he was asleep in his study room, pens, papers, sticky notes and photographs scattered all over the desk and some on the floor.

He knew he had dreamt of something meaningful, but he had no idea what that dream was. This annoyed him because it meant that he couldn't use it in his research. Yawning, San stretched and rubbed his eyes. He left the room, locking it and entering his bathroom to freshen up for the day. San had class later on and as always he really didn't want to go.

"Can I come in?" he heard his mother's voice say from the door as she knocked on it. He let her in and then went back to drying his hair in front of the mirror.

"Did you need something?" He asked, his voice sounding dreary.

"Are you alright honey?" she asked. "You look thinner and your eyebags are horrible." He glared at her through the mirror and she laughed. "Sorry! But you do look like a zombie today."

"I'm just tired," he said simply, hoping she wouldn't ask more since he knew he couldn't answer what was actually making him so tired.

"Classes have just started! You can't be exhausted from that."

San nodded, not really paying much attention to her. He kept zoning out and she noticed. Suddenly, his phone rang and it was on the bed, next to where his mother was sitting. She glanced at it and picked up the phone, handing it to San.

"It's Wooyoung," she informed, but San just looked at the screen.

"Leave it, I'll call him later," he said quietly. His energy levels were really low today and he had a strange feeling in his stomach... like something didn't feel right.

"San are you sure you're doing ok?" She asked worriedly. "You don't look well at all. Is something bothering you? You know you can tell me about it..."

San looked at his mother and lowered his head, feeling an overwhelming set of emotions. Why did this feel like the first time in a while that someone had asked if he was ok? He shuffled towards her, sitting down and leaning into her. Confused, she put her arms around him and he let out a shaky breath.

"San? What's wrong sweetheart? Remember I can't help you if you don't tell me..."

"That's the point... you can't help me... no-one can. I keep creating problems for myself and it's stressing me out and I can't even solve them alone... but I can't ask for help either because no-one understands what it's like..." He sniffled, resting his head on her shoulder.

"Well what are those problems? Maybe I can help and we can solve them together," she suggested, but San shook his head. The door opened and Seonghwa walked in, his smile fading when he saw what was happening in the room.

"San? What happened?" He asked, immediately going to the crying boy.

San's mother explained what he had told her and instantly Seonghwa knew what she was talking about. He looked at his cousin sympathetically. He knew that San's support circle was small; it was just Seonghwa himself and Wooyoung. He knew that San needed more, but even if Seonghwa suggested that San opened up to his mother, the younger would never agree.