Memories | Sanjoong

28. Delusional

*

Some are addicted to their delusions, the stories they've crafted about themselves. They wrap their minds around the details, fitting them into their own version of reality.

*

The next day, he called the two people he trusted the most in the world. Wooyoung and Seonghwa sat on his bed and watched San pace around his room.

"Are you going tell us what this is about?" Wooyoung asked, his head turning constantly as he watched his friend. San suddenly stopped in front of the two and sighed heavily.

"Remember how I said I would give up on my memories?" He began, but was quickly interrupted by Wooyoung.

"Don't tell me..." Wooyoung drifted off when he saw San nod.

"I just need to find out what really happened!"

Seonghwa stood up and held both sides of San's shoulders. "No, this is a bad idea. You are fine without knowing the truth. You've ended up with so many dead ends... is it even worth it anymore?"

"Why do you want to keep sacrificing your sanity?" Wooyoung questioned.

"This could be the only thing that brings back my sanity!" San exclaimed, shrugging off Seonghwa's grip. "I knew you guys wouldn't be happy with this choice, but I'm serious about it. They keep coming back and when I push them away it only gets worse. I know I won't get any peace until I do this."

"San you have your life back; these past two weeks you've been the best I've ever seen you," Wooyoung said.

"I agree," Seonghwa said. "you now have your friends, your parents, free time, studies, boyfriend... just like any other person, you now have the ability to focus on them, all these things you've been neglecting.," Seonghwa explained.

"I never had my own life, you two know that better than anyone. Wooyoung, you and I are studying things that we didn't choose just to take over our father's businesses. I've never had a choice when it comes to these things. My parents control lots of things in my life that they feel just as suffocating as the memories, And I can't expect my friends to understand. And there's no such thing as free time when you have 100 things to do a day with those damn studies on a course you didn't even pick. And boyfriend? What boyfriend? Hongjoong has Yeosang now! He doesn't need me or want me anymore, so tell me what the hell am I supposed to do with a life like this? It all feels like too much and when it starts to feel that way, then the memories come back..." San ranted, rambling without a break in between.

"I thought you and Hongjoong had made up already," Seonghwa asked, a confused expression on his face.

San scoffed. "I told him some of the truth, we comforted each other and I thought things were getting better between us, but... I don't think it will... Because I can't see him the same way... I- I just can't-" He sat down in between them, burying his head in his hands, sniffling.

The two looked at each other and then Wooyoung spoke up first. ""Is there something you're not telling us? I noticed that something had been going on, but I wanted you to tell me in your own time, but it's bothering you so much that it re-triggered your memories. And now you're going to use your search to distract yourself again - just like you always do. I know you, Choi San. Stop pretending you can carry every single burden yourself."