Memories | Sanjoong

25. A Little Braver

*
When it gets hard
I get a little stronger now
I get a little braver now
*

"Everything you are doing is to satisfy your curiosity about images that are probably just a fiction of your imagination. I know you're passionate about it, so I hate to say this... but maybe... it's time to let those memories go..."

Those lines played in San's head a thousand times for the rest of the week. When Friday came and his friends wanted to go out, using the excuse of 'celebrating their first week back to uni', San had to find his own excuse to not go. He just didn't have the energy, nor did he feel like it. He sat in his room by himself that night. There was only the sound of his clock ticking softly in the background, but that monotonous sound felt like a bomb getting ready to explode in San's already suffocated mind.

Seonghwa is right.

He did need to let these haunting memories go. Yet when he looked back at the closed door of his study, San was conflicted knowing that his years of research, all of his efforts was in vain. Everything he ever found was behind that door and though he knew that no good will come if he continues to slave over his imagination, San wasn't ready to let go of what he already had. San put too much work into it that he just didn't have the heart to really let it go.

There was a knock on his door and he sighed, dragging his body to the door to open it. He was surprised to see his dad, who had an extremely serious expression on his face.

"Come with me."

-

Meanwhile, Hongjoong also refused to go out with his friends. All week he has been feeling guilty. He couldn't look at himself in the mirror the same way again and it was even worse when he saw either Yeosang or San. He accused San so many times, so of course he would feel bad for what he did because deep inside he knew that San was telling the truth the whole time. And he felt guilty for doing such a thing to Yeosang, knowing that despite that, the younger comforted him every time he needed it.

However, tonight he needed to forget that guilt because... he was going to finally let go of his dad.

He stood by the hospital bed, watching his father's still figure. It won't be long now before the doctors come in to cut off the life support. Silent tears trickled down Hongjoong's face as memories with his dad flashed through his head. From birthday parties to family outings and arguments to discussions, the mundane things his father did, the quality father-son times he so dearly missed - everything was important to him.

Hongjoong was nowhere near ready to let go, but he knew that this was the best for both of them. His father could finally rest in peace and he could finally move on with life and live for himself. It may have been the hardest decision of his life, but Hongjoong had to do it. He kept on believing in his choice, and hoped that after the life support is cut off, he wouldn't regret this decision.

A doctor and two nurses came in, to check on his dad's condition for the last time. It was a procedure to check in case there happened to be a chance of him being able to take over his body again. Hongjoong sniffed, wiping his eyes constantly so that his vision would not be blurred. When the doctor spoke to him, he tried his best to keep his voice and breathing steady.

When they left, Hongjoong sobbed again. His body shook as he fell next to his father. Within a couple of hours there would be absolutely no chance of him coming back and the thought was starting to scare Hongjoong. The door opened again, but Hongjoong couldn't look up because he knew he must've looked like such a mess.

"Joong..." a familiar voice said. A hand was placed on his shoulder. Hongjoong lifted his head a little to see San looking back at him.

"What are you doing here?" Hongjoong whispered.