As If I'd Ever Be Gay! || Chanlix

Chapter 25

Felix fell asleep an hour after confessing to Chan. The blonde refused to talk to him, yet he didn't reject the older man's affections, allowing him to hold him while he cried himself to sleep. The day was still young, and Chan was sitting on the couch, mindlessly staring back into the tv screen. 

A lot has happened, and Chan was currently processing everything fully. He had finally gotten Felix to open up, after years of him refusing to do so. The older man couldn't help but plan their future together foolishly in his head. He felt like a young girl experiencing her first ever crush. 

He knew planning such things in his mind was a bad idea, horrible even, but he couldn't really help himself. Chan wasn't the type to jump the gun, often playing things safely in order to avoid any further problems in the situation. For some reason he wanted to jump the gun though, getting up and making his way to the grocery store, planning to make a sweet gesture for the blonde.

He bought all of Felix's favorite snacks and a big bouquet of flowers. He had to get all of this sorted out before the blonde woke up. He knew Felix would be waking up very soon, so he quickly made his way back home, getting everything ready for when Felix woke up. 

He set the snacks up neatly, along with a Christmas plushie he had bought and the flowers. He debated on writing a cute little letter to the blonde, but he didn't want to push it. Chan had a feeling deep down that what he was doing was already too much, yet he decided to stick to his guns. Felix was full of surprises, so maybe he would actually like this notion. 

Chan waited patiently for Felix, heartbeat growing heavier when he heard the blonde's door open after an hour of waiting. Chan got up quickly, rushing to Felix, startling the small boy in the process. 

"Fuck! You need to stop fucking scaring me." Felix snapped, making Chan worry. Felix wasn't any better after his nap like he had hoped. He may not end up appreciating Chan's notion after all, yet for some reason the brunette had hope. Chan followed closely behind the blonde, growing more nervous the closer they got to the kitchen. 

Once they walked into the kitchen Felix paused, eyes darting to and from everything Chan had bought for him. "What's this?" Felix asked in a tone Chan couldn't quite read. "I figured I would buy something nice for you." Chan nervously spoke, hesitantly continuing when Felix didn't speak. 

"I figured that after what happened today, maybe you'd like something like this to help cheer you up." The brunette said, watching Felix's face grow red in embarrassment. "Why would you think I would like this?" The blonde asked, voice hollow and shaky. 

"I-I thought that maybe you'd like it is all." Chan spoke, knowing all too well Felix did not like what was happening in this very moment. 

"You thought that after all the shit that happened today, I'd want flowers and gifts to celebrate something so fucking horrible?" Felix questioned, tone as cold as ice. 

"There's nothing horrible about what happened today, Lix." Chan responded, taking the snacks and putting them into the pantry. He had failed. He knew Felix was far from happy. He felt embarrassed to think Felix would actually appreciate him and his efforts for once. 

"Oh, really? Me being a disgusting faggot isn't horrible?" He asked, walking up to the flowers and throwing them in the trash. Chan felt his heart break a little while he watched the blonde toss them away so effortlessly. He wanted to scream at Felix yet he stopped himself, trying to understand that Felix was just overwhelmed. 

"You really thought that after all this I would want to sing a happy song and celebrate? What, did you expect we buy pride flags and cover our whole apartment with them now that I am out?! Did you expect we have this big gay fucking celebration?! Wow, Felix is gay! Let's celebrate, right?!" Felix yelled, too upset to even consider how broken Chan felt in this moment. 

"Why did you even bother buying me these stupid flowers? Did you think that just because I came out we were dating now?" Felix bitterly laughed. "How fucking sad. Stop reminding me of what I am. I don't appreciate it." He said, walking back into his room and slamming the door. 

Chan swallowed a painfully hard lump in his throat. He took the flowers out of the trash, trying his best to fix them up and make them look presentable once more before setting them back on the counter. He sighed, taking the plushie off the counter and throwing it into his bedroom closet. 

He walked onto the back porch, staring blankly at the snow that fell. He couldn't say he was surprised. He truly did believe that he had pushed things too far with Felix. The blonde had came out not even a couple hours before Chan had decided to do all that. He knew Felix was overwhelmed. 

Felix never confessed his feelings for Chan either, so it was foolish to buy him flowers. Chan wasn't fully sure of the blonde's feelings towards him. He didn't know if Felix actually liked him or not. Felix could've just been using him for comfort for all he knew.

 The older man knew it was going to take sometime. Felix was clearly still a mess, but at least he wasn't denying his sexuality anymore. That was a good first step. Chan knew that this was a matter of patience, which was something he had a lot of, but it often grew difficult to maintain. It was hard to be patient with somebody like Felix, somebody so hateful and cruel.

The older man sighed. He could've cried if he really wanted to, but he decided to just turn his feelings off like he has done for years. He needed to set up boundaries and not cross them in order to respect Felix and keep his sanity. He couldn't act selfish, even though he wanted to. Chan wanted to finally be the selfish one.