As If I'd Ever Be Gay! || Chanlix

Chapter 35

Chan had walked Felix back to their car to avoid people seeing the boy's mental breakdown. The brunette was rubbing gentle circles onto Felix's back while he ugly cried in the passenger's seat. "Is that really how- how it feels?" The blonde cried out, desperately trying to save his makeup from getting ruined.

Chan only nodded, causing the blonde to cry even more. "I-I'm so sorry... I didn't know it hurt this much." The brunette just smiled at him, telling him everything was okay.

"How did you even allow me to be like that to you for so long?" Felix asked, crying settling down thanks to Chan's affectionate gestures. "Love is a wild thing, Lix."

"T-this was another reason why I was afraid of coming out. I'm not strong enough to handle the hateful words and dirty looks." Felix whimpered. The blonde hated how he was getting a taste of his own medicine. It was much deserved, but Chan couldn't help but feel bad. Nobody deserves that, not even Felix.

"Listen to me, Lix." Chan gently spoke, turning the blonde's face towards his. "That guy back there was an asshole. You already know he's probably in the closet." He giggled before continuing, "I know that it hurts, but it'll be okay." He reassured, wiping away the tears on Felix's freckled cheeks.

"T-there's nothing wrong with me?" The blonde stuttered.

"There nothing wrong with you, Lix. You're perfect." Chan smiled, kissing the tip of Felix's nose. The blonde giggled softly, Chan's kind words stabilizing his emotional state. The more the weeks passed, the more Felix began to realize just how destructive he really was not only to himself but others as well.

He couldn't help but feel bad for all the people he's made fun of for being gay throughout his lifetime. He felt even more horrible knowing he made Chan feel that way for years, a person he loved and cherished more than anything. Being treated poorly because of your sexuality was a horrible thing nobody should experience.

Felix knew this treatment would come if he ever came out, which is another reason why he stayed in the closet for so long. He projected his fears onto others, and the blonde knew that was far from right.

"Today is gonna be a good one. We aren't gonna let some loser like that ruin it, okay?" The brunette said, kissing Felix once more. Chan was too good to him. Felix couldn't help to think he didn't deserve him in the slightest.

"T-thank you." Felix shyly spoke.

"Anything for my Lix." Chan's smile warmed every part of Felix's body. He had such a beautiful smile. Both men got out of the car, making their way to the restaurant where they were seated by the host.

"Fuck! Is my makeup okay?" Felix asked, growing worried.

"Surprisingly yes. It doesn't even look like you were crying not even 2 seconds ago." The brunette responded, getting lost in Felix's pretty eyes. The green contacts suited him well. The host took their drink and food orders, both men talking now.

"You should totally take me here more often." Felix requested, a cute smile decorating his features.

"Maybe I will. I actually really like this place too. Their bread is so fucking good."

"Right?!" Felix loudly said, not caring that he brought attention to the both of them. Chan only giggled, mind wondering to a familiar place it's been before, but always avoided in attempts to not overstep boundaries.

"May I ask you a question?" Chan questioned, noticing the almost instant discomfort on Felix's features.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, okay? Felix only nodded, waiting for said question.

"How did you find out you were gay?" Chan questioned. Felix felt that familiar burning sensation of his cheeks, growing embarrassed almost immediately. He wanted to talk about it but the story was too embarrassing.

"I-I... It's really embarrassing actually." His blush only got deeper the more he thought about what it was that caused his sexual awakening.

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable, Lix. It's okay." Chan smiled, taking a bite of his food. He couldn't help the curiosity that grew even stronger during the conversation.

"I'll tell you only if you promise not to laugh at me." Felix knew the last thing Chan would do is judge him, yet he still felt extremely insecure.

"Not in a million years would I ever judge you." The older man reassured, putting a hand out for Felix to take. The blonde grabbed hold of Chan's hand while letting out a loud sigh.

"When I grew up, I was never really a sexual person... I didn't start masturbating till high school hit, and the reason why is because of my dad. The idea of anything sexual repulsed me so much." He breathed out, shyly avoiding Chan's intense gaze.

"W-when I saw you and Hyunjin kissing, it sparked something in me..." Felix blushed even deeper, embarrassment clouding every corner of his senses.

"It sparked many things actually... disgust was obviously one, curiosity being another. I grew jealous of course because I've always l-liked you but I never understood those feelings. I thought that it was just a phase, but it ended up not being one obviously." His voice was shaky while he spoke. This was so embarrassing for him.

"T-the curiosity that came with witnessing you guys kissing got the best of me... When I found out you liked guys, it turned me on rather than gross me out, which made me hate myself and gay people even more. I kept thinking about how it would feel to have you kiss me and touch me the same ways you probably did to Hyunjin... I-I jerked off for the first time to those thoughts." Felix looked away nervously, hating every second of this.

"I remember looking up porn a couple hours after having a panic attack the same day. I tried watching any video I could find with a woman in it, yet my body wouldn't react. I-I didn't get hard from women... The only things that turned me on were videos of men and thoughts of you..."

Chan's heart rate increased at the new found information. He couldn't help but feel a certain type of way.

"I-I'm so sorry... I know that's probably really weird to admit." The blonde said, feeling tears form in his eyes from embarrassment.

"Don't cry, Lix. I don't think it's weird at all." He smiled. The blonde shyly smiled back. He loved how Chan always made him feel safe.