As If I'd Ever Be Gay! || Chanlix

Chapter 24

"Breathe, Lix." Chan said, taking a seat next to the blonde and rubbing circles on his back. Felix choked on his cries, desperately trying to calm his breathing. Chan gave him a couple minutes to recollect himself, his anxiety attack finally calming down after what felt like forever.

"Talk to me please." Chan spoke softly, desperate to hear more of what Felix had to say. The blonde was slowly opening up, something Chan desperately wanted for years. Felix shook, trying to keep his temper at bay. He hated being asked questions. He hated when he had to explain his emotions. He wanted to fight back.

"I don't want to." Felix angrily said, becoming closed off once more. Chan sighed loudly, extremely disappointed once more. The older man wiped his tears away, getting up and walking out of the room.

"Where are you going?!" Felix cried out, fear overcoming his senses.

"I'm done, Lix. I am going to ask Minho if I can stay with him for a while. I can't be near you right now." Chan said, sadness weighing heavy in his tone. He had done so much just to get the truth to come out, yet his best was never good enough for Felix.

The blonde got up quickly, following Chan to his room while he watched the brunette pack. "Y-you can't just leave me!" Felix cried out, growing more afraid each second. "And why can't I do that?" Chan asked, hoping for even an ounce of truth from the boy.

"B-because you're all I have!" Felix cried out. "Okay, Felix. Then answer me this, are you gay?" Chan asked, knowing he was crossing a boundary, yet he couldn't care anymore. This was all or nothing.

"N-no... I can't be. I-I refuse to be!" The blonde weakly whispered, tears falling once again.

"Why can't you?" He asked, slowly prying through the walls Felix had spent years building up. All the hatred and rage that filled his heart seemingly all being for nothing in this moment.

"That doesn't matter! I'm not gay!" Felix screamed, mind getting clouded with the memories of last night, from Chan touching him, to him touching himself. He knew the answer to Chan's question, he just couldn't admit it to himself. He couldn't be what he hated most.

"You aren't gay, Felix? Why did you get hard when I touched you then? Why did you pull me closer while we kissed? What were you jerking off to last night, Lix? Because I know damn well it wasn't to a woman!" Chan said, catching Felix by surprise. The blonde had thought that maybe Chan was asleep. He grew embarrassed, hiding his face with the sleeves of his hoodie.

"Y-you heard that?" He asked, shame filling his senses further.

"That doesn't matter! You can't look me in the face and tell me you aren't attracted to men." The older man said through clenched teeth. Felix wanted to say no, but he had gotten himself way too deep in this hole. All effort seemed pathetic at this point.

"Tell me to my face right now, Lix." Chan demanded, patience growing thin when Felix failed to form the words. "Tell me!" He screamed, hoping that showing his emotional side would be enough to finally get through to the blonde. Felix remained quiet, too stunned to even form a sentence.

"Un fucking believable." Chan bitterly laughed to himself, grabbing a duffle bag and shoving all his things into it quickly. He knew he was asking for too much. Asking for basic respect and closure on the situation was too much. Felix would never change. As much as Chan hated the fact, he knew maybe now it was time to finally move on and cut him out of the picture.

Felix watched as Chan packed everything. Part of him doubted the brunette had the ability to actually leave him, another part of him feared that this was actually happening. He watched Chan run to and from the bathroom to his room, grabbing all of his belongings. Chan grabbed his keys, heading towards the front door. That's when it suddenly hit Felix. He was being serious.

"Wait! Please!" Felix yelled, running out of the brunette's room and grabbing hold of his wrist. "I-it was my dad." He nervously said, soul crushing at the memories of his childhood all flooding back into his mind.

"What?" Chan asked, shutting the door and going back inside. He gave the blonde his full attention, waiting patiently for him to speak once more. "My dad- he is the reason." Felix choked, tears falling rapidly for the 100th time that day. Chan didn't speak, waiting for what he had to say next.

"W-when I was little I caught him in the room with another man while my mom was at work." He spoke, growing nauseous at the memories. "When I caught him he told me that they were just 'playing' and that it was all in good fun." Felix bitterly laughed, hating how naive he was at that age.

"My dad never stopped bringing men home after we moved, having sex with them while I was in the other room. He didn't care about me or my mom. He neglected me and exposed me to horrible things at such a young age. He even tried touching me once or twice, but I would always run away to that lake we met at to avoid him while my mom was gone."

"They fought constantly when my mom found out, and it drove me insane. Eventually she kicked him out and divorced. You were there when all that happened. I-I haven't seen him since, but I hate him for everything he did to me and my mom." Felix's voice was shaky and weak. He never told a single soul this information.

It was something he would've preferred to carry to his grave. Chan felt horrible, hating how he had to force the truth out of Felix. He hated how he had to make Felix relive those memories. "I'm over it now, but I developed a hatred towards gay people because of my father. M-my hatred only grew more when I realized that I-" Felix took a deep breath in, tears still trickling away.

"That I- wasn't s-straight either..." He cried out, crumbling into a million pieces. "God dammit!" He screamed, falling limp onto the floor. He felt like his world fell apart. He hated himself even more knowing that it wasn't that serious. Chan set his bag down, sitting onto the floor to meet eyes with the crying blonde.

"Lix, look at me." He sternly spoke, cupping the blonde's cheeks with his hands.

"I'm a fucking faggot. I'm fucking disgusting! Don't look at me!" Felix said, yanking his face out of Chan's grasp. "Felix, please." He said, gently reaching out to the blonde once more. He held his small face in his hands, watching the tears that were streaming like a waterfall off his face. "Look at me." Chan said, wiping the tears with his thumbs. Felix peeled open his eyes, blushing at the close proximity of their faces.

"You aren't disgusting. There's nothing wrong with you either." Chan reassured, thankful to see that Felix was calming down due to his kind words. "I know this is a lot for you, but things will only get better from here. I'm not going anywhere." The older man smiled softly. Felix hated this. He hated how he loved Chan's kindness and how he craved more of it.

"I love you, Lix." Chan said, pulling the blonde into a kiss, both men melting into the feeling of their lips together. Felix wanted to say no, he wanted to push him away and go back into hiding, but he didn't because he wanted this more. He wanted the affection and love Chan had to offer more than anything else in this world. He would do anything for it.