As If I'd Ever Be Gay! || Chanlix

Chapter 40

"What do I do?!" Felix cried out loudly, feeling suffocated by anxiety and fear. 

"Well there isn't much you can do, Lix. I'm sorry..." Chan softly spoke, holding the blonde in a tight embrace while he panicked. 

"She doesn't know and if she finds out she might kill me!" Chan held him closer while Felix's eyes began to sting, tears threatening to fall any minute. Felix's mom invited them over for Christmas, and the boy was far from ready to face her just yet. 

"Your mom loves you too much to kill you, Lix." The brunette reassured, kissing the small body engulfed in his muscular arms that were exposed by the tank top he wore. 

"Minho saw right through us and pieced it together almost instantly! M-my mom is not an idiot, Channie." Felix choked out, hot tears falling down his face. Aside from Chan, his mom was all he really had. The risk of losing her terrified him. 

Felix was unsure on how to face his mother. How was her son going to tell his mom that he is the very same thing her disgusting ex husband was? How was he going to tell her without making her relive those horrible memories? 

"Do you want to tell her?" The brunette asked, laying down on the couch with the blonde in between his legs. He covered them both with a blanket while he listened to his boyfriend intently, rubbing small circles on his bare arm. 

"You're a big part of my life, even more than before, Channie. I-I can't keep our relationship hidden from the world forever. If I want things to work out with you- I can't keep it hidden..." Felix softly spoke, wrapping himself up tightly in the blanket and leaning into the warm body behind him. 

"Well when you think about it... I'd also be coming out too. You wouldn't have to face this alone." The older man smiled, trying to cheer Felix up. The last thing he wanted was to make his boyfriend face something like this with no support, and technically he was right. Chan hasn't came out fully either, the only people who knew were Minho, Hyunjin, and Jisung. 

"I'm always going to be here for you, no matter what happens." Chan said, kissing Felix's head gently. 

Felix couldn't help but feel better at the reassuring words. Chan always knew what to say, words flowing off of his tongue with ease. Felix has always struggled with his emotions, not knowing how to properly deal with them especially in times of stress. 

He'd often find himself feeling suffocated, as if he were running in a white space that had no beginning or end. In moments like that, he felt trapped, desperate for an escape with no way out, but Chan always broke him free. He broke him free whenever he couldn't do it himself. Chan's always done it, ever since the day they first met. 

Felix couldn't help but appreciate Chan for those moments, making it difficult to not fall in love even when homophobic. Not only did Chan free him every single time he felt trapped, he freed him in the best way possible. 

Without the help of Chan, he'd still be miserable, enslaved to the prison he had built for himself. The blonde wouldn't trade any of it for the world. He wouldn't go back to the way he was even if somebody paid him a million dollars. Chan was and has been the only thing he's ever wanted, and now that he has him, he never wants to let go. 

"You make me really happy." Felix said barely above a whisper, a blush decorating the perfectly placed freckles on his face. Chan only smiled, voice falling silent to enjoy the moment. 

Felix couldn't help the anxiety that came with the thought of coming out to his mother, but knowing Chan would offer his support made the thought less intense. Felix's mom loved him too much to disown him, regardless of who he loved and was attracted to right? 

The blonde pushed the thoughts away, trying not to trip over himself and his negativity. He took a deep breath, snuggling further into Chan's gentle hold, eyes examining the living room while they sat in silence. The sound of the fire in the fireplace cracking filled the empty room.

Christmas was a few days away, giving Felix more than enough time to mentally prepare himself for any possibility. Preparing for the worst yet praying for the best was the only thing he could do in a moment like this.

If Felix could overcome accepting his sexuality when being very blatantly homophobic, confess his feelings to his childhood best friend who was a man, and go as far as fucking him, he could come out to his mom. 

If only it was that easy, right? While they sat in silence, Felix couldn't control the lingering thoughts and fear. Chan had calmed him down, but his mind was still running wild. The thought of coming out as gay to your mom who divorced her husband for those very reasons scared him. 

Felix wasn't sure what to expect given the woman never really talked about it with him after it happened. She didn't like addressing such a touchy subject. Felix knew how heartbroken his mom was when she found out about her husband's unloyalty, crying alone in her room some nights after their divorce. 

Felix's mom never talked much about gay people after the incident, not once acknowledging them when she saw them in public either. Whenever Felix would go out with his mom to a store and they'd see a gay couple, she would just look sad, numb almost. Her expression was always blank and void of emotion. 

Felix on the other hand would gag and grow disgusted when seeing gay people. When he acted like that in front of his mom, she'd often tell him it wasn't polite, not punishing him more severely for his hateful actions. 

The blonde couldn't help but worry, knowing he was going to face his mother soon. He was going to come out to her, which could trigger so many memories for the older woman that he just didn't want to make her relive. It was truly difficult given he loved both his mother and Chan more than anything. 

Felix valued his relationship with Chan more than anything. He knew that if he wanted things to work out between them both, they'd have to come out to their families and friends sooner or later. The blonde knew that ripping it off like a band aid was the best solution for a moment like this.