As If I'd Ever Be Gay! || Chanlix

Chapter 23

Felix woke up to the sound of Chan knocking on his door. The blonde groaned loudly, flinging his covers off and walking to the door, half asleep and unaware of the fact that he was actually awake. 

"What?" Felix groaned flinging open the door and suddenly waking up fully when he realized that this wasn't a dream. 

"I was wondering if you wanted to talk?" Chan nervously asked, watching Felix begin to panic. 

"N-no! We can't!" The blonde cried out, going to slam the door before Chan called back out to him. Normally Chan would leave Felix alone in this situation but he just couldn't. He couldn't allow what happened yesterday to go not talked about. 

"W-wait!" The older man said, stupidly shoving his hand into the door. Felix slammed the door on his fingers, making the older man scream in pain. "God dammit, Lix!" Chan cried out, clutching his hand and groaning loudly in pain. 

"Fuck, are you okay?!" The blonde asked, grabbing hold of Chan's hand to make sure everything was okay. Chan smiled through the pain, enjoying this rare side of Felix. The one that cared deeply. 

"Yes, Lix. Luckily you didn't break one of my fingers." Chan giggled, causing the blonde to blush. Chan felt hurt and all he needed was closure in this very moment. He needed to talk to Felix and finally get all the answers he needed. 

"May we talk now?" Chan asked, trying to sound a gentle as possible to maybe convince the blonde to finally open up. "Why do you want to talk to me?" Felix asked, slowly walking back into his room to try avoiding this conversation any further. 

"We need to talk about what happened!" Chan said, using his foot this time to prevent the blonde from closing his door. 

"There's nothing to talk about. I got the answers I wanted, and I am not happy with said answers, so that means you should just leave me alone!" Felix yelled. He felt guilty watching Chan's features fall. He didn't like seeing Chan sad, yet he refused to continue this conversation any further. He was too selfish to give Chan what he wanted. 

"So you basically used me to get your answers? Answers to what?" The older man questioned, growing more hurt by the blonde's words. Felix looked away, backing further into his room and falling on the bed. "You don't need to know." He said, eyes stinging. 

"I think I do! Felix did you use me?" Chan asked, growing more upset when the blonde stayed quiet. Tears fell from the blonde's eyes while he laid there helplessly. "Did you use me to figure out if you liked men or not?" The brunette asked, crumbling more when Felix remained quiet. Chan couldn't contain this feeling. He felt betrayed for some reason. 

"Felix please talk to me." Chan begged, wall cracking while tears finally stung his eyes. The older man rarely cried, yet this was something he viewed worth shedding tears for. He loved Felix and the blonde used him as a pawn. 

"Why do you even care so much?!" Felix sat up, yelling loudly. He froze, noticing the tears that fell from Chan's eyes. 

"I care because I feel used! Why couldn't you have gone and fuck around with Changbin or something instead? Maybe watch porn to get your answers?" The older man snapped, watching Felix cry harder. The blonde was too much of a coward to look Chan in his eyes. 

"Nobody told you to say yes! All you homos are the same! S-so perverted, jumping the moment sex is introduced into the equation!" Felix cried out. He knew he was wrong in this situation. He couldn't let himself lose this battle. He would fight till he had nothing left. 

"W-why did you say yes to me?! This is your fault!" The blonde yelled, finally meeting eyes with Chan. The older man couldn't help but agree with Felix. He knew it was wrong. He knew that it would ruin their friendship and cause damage they couldn't recover from. 

"Nobody told you to say yes to my offer!" He kept screaming, making Chan believe further that it was his fault. The older man choked on a sob, finally breaking down after all the years of abuse he endured from Felix. 

"Why did you?!" Felix yelled, small fists balled up tightly while he cried. 

"Why?!" He cried out once more, growing more upset when Chan didn't answer. "Why did you do this?!" 

"Because I fucking love you!" Chan snapped, causing Felix's heart to skip a beat in response. 

"I said yes because I was being selfish just like you were! I wanted you, I have always wanted you! I've spent my last ten years being in love with you and you never noticed. I kept it hidden because I knew how you felt towards gay people! I was so afraid of losing you, I'd do anything, including endure nothing but emotional abuse and distress from you for years!" The brunette said, choking on his sobs while he yelled. 

Felix sat there quietly, heart beating loudly in his ears. Chan was in love with him? 

"You have put me through endless hell with your selfish actions. I can handle many things from you Felix, but you crossed a line with me last night. I knew what I was getting myself into. I tried to tell you no, but you begged me to do it. You are just as much in the wrong as I am." Chan said, pacing back and forth in Felix's room. 

Felix didn't know what to say or do in this moment. He felt frozen, words unable to form, so he cried instead. He cried loud and hard while Chan cut into him like a knife. "I lost so much because of you! I lost Hyunjin because of you!" Chan knew he couldn't fully blame Felix for that. It felt wrong to do so, but when you're around somebody like Felix for so long, sometimes you pick up their traits. 

"W-why does losing that twink bother you so much?!" Felix questioned, jealousy evident in his tone. 

"No, Lix. Why does it bother you so much?" Chan shot back, catching the blonde off guard. 

"I think I could help answer that for you. You're also in love with me, but you're too afraid to admit it." The older man said, shooting Felix right where it hurt most. 

"Y-you're crazy." Felix cried, heart beat out of control. He felt like he was going to have a panic attack any moment. 

"I am crazy? Maybe I am because it took me so long to realize something as clear as day. You chased my friends away and tried to hide me from the world because you're in love with me and you've been too much of a coward to admit it. You were so afraid of somebody stealing me away from you. You obsessed over me for years!" The older man shot Felix more, wound growing bigger each shot. 

"You're such a coward! You can't admit you're in love with me, because you're too afraid to admit your gay, bi, pan, whatever you are! Maybe if you actually opened up and stopped being fearful, I could help you! You hate homosexuals yet you are one yourself! Are you homophobic because of trauma? Are you like this because you hate yourself so much, you have to take it out on others?!" 

"B-both! Both god dammit! Both! Both! Both!" Felix screamed loudly, breathing becoming heavier. He cracked, anxiety attack settling in while he screamed on the top of his lungs. "Fuck you!" Felix whined, laying down onto the bed, choking on his sobs. He was breathing faster and faster, desperate to fill his lungs with air. This was a disaster.