Hate Me Now

Chapter 48

⚠️ Trigger Warning !! This chapter mentions suicide ⚠️

Rated R content

Unknown

My ears were ringing . The closest I've been to gunshots was at that party the other night but it was much closer this time . It felt like someone pierced my eardrums .

I stood in place still aiming the gun in pure shock . You always hear about people committing suicide by shooting themselves in the head . I never understood how they could do it . Putting the gun to your head , maybe . But the willpower it takes to actually pull the trigger in that moment has to be monumental . Because here I stood over a dead body that I killed , and it took every fiber in my being to even pull the trigger on someone else .

We all have our own morals and values in our lives . Things we abide by . Lessons and traditions we inherit . Things we swear we will never do . And almost every day , we are tested . What will it take to do something I swore I would never do ? What would it take for someone to break their most valued rules ? What would it take for someone to take a cheater back ? What would it take for a Christian woman to have sex before marriage ? There's no right answer to those questions . What we do as humans is make ourselves feel better by having excuses to justify how we betrayed our own beliefs . ' Oh we've been together for three years , I know he loves me ' . ' Oh I love him more than anything and we're gonna get married anyways ' . In my case : ' I didn't want to let my friend die so I killed someone I didn't consider a friend in order to spare his life ' . Even exchange right ? Wrong . At the end of the day , we have to live with the decisions we make . No matter what compels us to betray our morals and values , we still have a choice . Always .

" Karina .... Karina !! " A voice echoed through my head . I would've thought I was stuck in a nightmare if Nas wasn't shaking me .

Before I looked over at her , Bernie snatched the gun out of my hand . Moments ago , at a desperate attempt to flip the script , I had grabbed the gun and aimed it at Driga but two of her guards pointed a gun each at Me & Nas' heads . I knew it was a far reach . Best case scenario , I'd shoot Driga and the guards would shoot me and I just wouldn't be here to deal with any of the aftermath . But I couldn't let Nas die over my decisions . After that , they told me I had no choice but to kill Racks or Lani . It wasn't an option between me & Nas anymore . And if I didn't pull the trigger , they'd shoot Nas first . But we still have choices right ? .... Right ?

" Are you okay ? " I made her words out once the ringing stopped .

I couldn't speak . But I know she could see the terror in my eyes .

" Can we please go now ? " I heard Nas say .

I didn't want to keep my eyes closed because that would look silly so I did what I used to do whenever my frigid body would turn warm , dissociate . Sounds weird , I know . But with repetition , it became easy to take myself out of my body . It was if my body was moving for me . I could see but my eyes were looking for me . I was here but I wasn't .

Next thing I know I'm outside next to the house we just came out of being embraced by a warm large body .

One of the easiest ways to bring myself back to my mind was smell and touch . And when I took a deep breath , I got a nose full of East's cologne . I allowed myself to collapse into him while he practically held me . I tried to control my sobbing because even though I wasn't used to this , I knew they were . Shooting , death , the pain of losing a loved one , but worst of all , feeling like you lost your entire identity . And even still , I felt like I needed to keep it together . Like I tried for Kade .

" Listen , youn never gotta worry bout me no more . I'm out the way , for
good " I heard Racks say followed by what sounded like a single clap .