So. Cristmas was Just some days ago right? Yeah. So why am I not happy? Shouldn't I be in the cristmas spirit or whatever the fuck it is? Why am I having breakdown after breakdown every night? Why do I cancel on my friend who just needs to get out of her house? She needs help, and I want to give her that. But I cant. Why?
Because I need help myself. But I cant reach out because I'm a fucking coward. So here I am. Venting on-line in a book probably only im gonna read. Here I am listening to the three songs in my playlist called "Cry". Its 00:47. I should be asleep. And I should have plans for later today. Maybe hang out with a friend, go to the mall, workout? Nope.
My goal for today is to make it to tomorrow. Thats literally it. Not die. Just dont die. Don't kill yourself. Don't hurt yourself. And with hurting myself I dont mean cutting. Whenever I think of that I think of a knife slicing through an arm, just getting a big ol piece of ham. I dont fucking know.
Dont know if anyone is gonna read this. Maybe I will. Later in life. If I make it that far. Maybe ill make it to high-school.
Anyway. Around 23:40 yesterday I had a mental breakdown. Probably the worst one I've had. Hitting myself in the head and shit. Sitting on the bathroom listening to music to calm down. I should probably tell my parents. But again. I'm a fucking coward. I'm a cow aswell. Fucking fat bitch.
I'm ugly. Known for a long time. But when I really got to know was in like 5th grade or something. I was that one girl that got asked out as a joke. Didn't even like the guy. But I cant fucking say no. So I said yes. Over the phone. In class group chat. Got rejected ofcourse, then cried. Ya know, whats become the usual now.
Tried the "get sober" or "I am sober" app. Whatever its called. Told myself to reset it every time something bad mental health related happened. The longest I went without crying, blaming myself, thinking about suicide, or insulting myself was what. 2 hours? Yeah deleted that. Didn't help anyway.
Yeah. Guess that was the intro to anyone reading this. Might be the only chapter I dont fucking know.
Bye.
YOU ARE READING
Diary Of A Teenage Girl
Non-FictionThis is just for fun / a way to document how my life is going without having to worry about anyone finding a diary I dont have a real diary so im Just doing this on here. I dont write in here every day, and chapters are short most of the time. Just...
