Diary Of A Teenage Girl

21. nov 2023 23:23

This ones gonna be kinda a two in one, a rant about my love life and my crush, and about my parents

I get crushes too god damn fast. Its actually fucking infuriating. Yes, I love the feeling of having a crush, getting to notice the small details of them, what they like, what they don't like, how their face looks like from the side, how they look when theyre focused. But I know they could never love me back, they coulf never even like me. All of my crushes have been that way. Thats what i think, no, I know. Noone has liked me that way, yes ive been in these wierd relationships, but they all have a clear indicator that the person i was "together" with was a narcissistic asshole.

The crush i have right now is the most infuriating of them all. It came on fast, and it had been strong since then. Yes, i have days where i dont even think about her, but I also have days where i nearly cant think about anything else. And i cant even talk about her or just that i have a crush because the second I have a crush that is a girl i dont say shit about it. Its not that i have internalised homophobia, its that its one of my friends. Evey time i like a girl it is one of my friends, and its infuriating. I hate it. I love her as i love all of my friends, but I also like her. I dont think I want to be in a relationship with her, we've been friends so long i would never want to lose her, I just find her so incredibly beautiful and fantastic and i just. Ugh.

I love having crushes, but fuck is it hard when its on a friend.

Anyway moving onto the other thing i wanna write about, my parents. I feel like sometimes i make them out to be far bigger villans than they actually are. Yes, they have done everything i write about, yes, I clearly have both daddy and mommy issues, yes, they treat me differently than my sister, but they aren't bad people. They care, or atleast they say they do. They tell me i can blame it on them if i just dont want to hang out with someone, they take the blame. They go out of their way to buy snacks when my friends are over, and my mom cleans up after us even if we made a big mess. Me and my mom also sit down every night to watch something together, well, we used too. Im too tired these days.

Its not my parents fault that i want to cry, and usually do, everytime someone tells me they are proud of me, or when someone seems genuine when they say they love me. Its not their fault my mental health is shit, they tried to help. Im selfish for wishing for more, they are already busy with my sister, the dog and their work. I should be more independent, my parents are not bad people. I love them.