𝔹𝔼𝔸𝕌𝕋𝕐 ~ S. Lopez

It Hurts

Santana

"You gotta tell me what's wrong baby" I say kissing her softly. "It hurts"

"Where? Where hurts" I ask hoping I can get some indication on what's happening

"Everywhere. It hurts everywhere"

"W-What should I do?" I ask running my hand through her hair. "I don't know" I kiss her head and pull the blankets up. "Get some rest love" I turn off the lights and close the door. "Is she okay?"

"No. And I don't know what's wrong or what I should do and it's freaking me out. I've never seen her like this" Rachel sighs and looks down. "Hold on. Come here" she leads me into her room and then into the bathroom

"Where are they?" she starts looking through cabinets and I furrow my eyebrows. "Here!" she pulls out these pills and now I'm even more confused. "Empty. She hasn't refilled them"

"Are those the-"

"Anti-depressants" I sigh and take the pills from her. "So we need to get this filled out. But since Shawn's 18 she has to do it herself" I frown and look down. "How do we talk her into it. Shawn's stubborn when it comes to this stuff. She hates feeling like she can't be who everyone needs her to be. And now this is going on she's gonna act like she doesn't need them"

"I don't know what to do Rachel? She just keeps telling me 'it hurts'. I don't even know what the hell that means and now she's not taking the pills. What if she tries it again a-and I'm not there to stop her"

"Shawn's not gonna do that" I wipe my eyes then look at the empty bottle. "Screw this. I'm going down there and they're going to refill this fucking bottle"

I grab my back and storm off downstairs. I wish I did something

~One Day Ago~

Shawn

"Hey San" she hums and looks over at me. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course" I sigh and look over at the door. "What's wrong?" she takes my hand and I take a deep breathe. 

"Have you ever felt like your whole world is gonna fall apart. And there's nothing you can do to stop it. Where it feels like it's fate?"

"Shawn where is this coming from?"

"I-I don't know. I just have this feeling in my chest like a piercing pain. But then sometimes it just feels like someone reached their hand inside and just squeezed and they keep squeezing. And no matter how hard I try to remove their hand there's another one and that one squeezes harder. And it's not like 'she told me she loved me' it's more of a...'I feel like everything's gonna stop. And nobody's pressing play'. That kinda feeling"

"Shawn do you wanna talk to someone?" she asks and I look down. "I thought I was" I move my hand and grab my bag. "Don't worry. I'll find someone"

"No! That's not what I meant" she says and I turn around. "You sure?" I walk out slamming the door behind me. 

"Oh Shawn- honey are you okay?" Santana's mom asks and I sigh deeply. "Honestly I don't know" I walk out of the house and pull up my hood. I stuff my hands into my pocket and just start walking.

I don't ever know where I'm going. I'm just walking

I keep walking and then I stop. I blink a few times and then look around. "What am I doing here?"

I look infront of me and I start to feel a lump in my throat. I put down my bag and sit down

"Hey Grandpa. I know you can't hear me or maybe you can. I have no clue how it works. Uhm... I really wish you were here. I need you to tell me where I'm supposed to be going, or what the hell I'm gonna do. Deep down inside I wanna live but lately it seems like Santana's the only person worth living for. But I haven't been there for her like I used to be. And if I can't do that then why the hell am I still here. I want to live because I have a purpose, I don't wanna just exist. But lately that feels like all I'm doing. And I know if you were here you'd hand me your cigar and say 'Shawn, life's too short', but what if that's what I want. What if I don't want to live the long life like you did. What if I want to be gone. They say that legends never die right. So maybe I test the theory"