Thoughts I Had Today

If we were given a second chance to meet again, I'd do it all over again.

My Dearest Bonnie,                     23/01/2025 | 1:27am

I have so many things I want to say to you but don't know where to start. A lot of horrible things happened that I'd like to talk about, but I know this letter would never end if I started. I guess I'll start with, Happy Belated Birthday! I regret not greeting you on your birthday last year. I wasn't sure if you wanted me to, since you stopped talking to me altogether out of the blue. I was scared. I spent the whole day contemplating if I should say something, but fear got the best of me and ended up saying nothing at all. I've regretted it since. Then I started thinking - what if I had just swallowed my fear and took the first step? Maybe we could've buried the hatchet by then. It's wishful thinking, I know. But for the longest time, I could only dream. Now I know that dream will never come true.

I've come to finally accept that it isn't something that you are willing to do. I should've realized this sooner, but I stupidly kept hoping things will get better and return to how they were before. I know they can't. This is a fact that I have avoided for so long. The truth hurts so much, but we both know we can't keep living like this. So, I'll try my best to move pass it too - and this letter is my way of helping me process through it. I'd just like to share more than a few words to you. I hope this letter means you well.

Angel, you've been my rock for the past 10 years. My best friend. My family. You were everything to me. You were the first friend I made in freshman high school - a memory I will forever cherish. I don't know if you remember it the same way as I do; but I remember sitting in Photography class, and you were sitting next to me. At the time, I didn't expect to make a friend so soon; but when you turned to me and introduced yourself, in return for mine; my life changed forever. That day is still one of the happiest days of my life. I was so scared of high school back then. The concept of growing up and becoming an adult scared me. But you gave me hope and believed in me. I will always be grateful for it. I am so lucky to have met such a wonderful person like you.

Do you remember when I came out as bi? You were the first person I came out to. Again, I was scared. But I knew, you of all people would understand and accept me as I am. I was right. I've never felt so loved and cared for in my life - it's a gift you have given, that nobody can surpass.

Do you remember when I came out as trans? You don't know this, but you were the first person I had come out to during that time too. Everyone else believed I was 'genderfluid.' But that was because I hadn't come into terms with my dysphoria. You helped me get through it, little by little - despite not knowing. And I eventually said to myself, "fuck it." Thank you for always giving me courage. I remember when I told you that I badly wanted a chest binder. You went out of your way to find websites, for me to look into about the practice more - even going as far as finding a website, where they offered free chest binders for queer people that aren't able to afford it. I was so happy; so, so happy, that someone cared about my wellbeing that much. Thank you for loving me in ways I can't imagine doing myself. I hope to love and care about me someday, in the same ways you did.

Whenever I look back on our high school days, there are so many memorable things that come to mind. Like that time, when we'd all meet up in the morning, just so we could go to Volcano Park to play before class starts. But one day, we got caught by your parents. I still laugh about that.
And that time when we had PE class, and I asked you to Dutch braid my hair, because I didn't know how to. We were running late by then, so I was telling you to hurry up - then we ran all the way to the gym together.
Or those times, whenever we'd all meetup at Art Block to have lunch/recess together. I'd always feel so lethargic by then, because of all the schoolwork and stress. I remember I'd always go up behind you for a hug and recharge - you'd let me and pat my head to comfort me. Those times were one of the most precious in my heart. Every hug healed me.