Thoughts I Had Today

Meaningful Connection

Yeah, I'm friends with these people.

But I don't have any meaningful connection with any of them.
At least, not to the extent where I can be vulnerable with them anytime I need to, without the fear of being judged.

I yearn for another friendship like that again.
(Why did we have to end? We would've been 11 years and counting by now..)

Where I'm not afraid to tell them anything.
Where I'm not ashamed to share both the good, bad, and in between with them.

These people are close with me. I've shared long wonderful years with them.
But these friendships are almost never changing.
And not in the good kind.

What I mean by 'change',
is when I'm able to take steps towards the meaningful connections that I yearn for WITH them.
The kind of friendship I need.
But these people remain still, while I'm left alone wandering ahead by myself.

When I try to encourage a step towards that direction,
It either backfires,
Or it works, but then we go back to square one again.

And it gets tiring
And discouraging
Because it makes me feel like they don't want to grow with me.

It feels lonely.

I just need a companion that I can comfortably stand alongside with for a very very long time.
Where else can I look for that, if not here?
Who else will give me that, if not them?

I fear that, if this keeps going
I'll no longer feel like I can stay with them

Because I just need a genuine friend

Someone who understands
Someone who I can trust
Someone who supports me
Someone who will love me regardless
And vice versa

A genuine friend, whom I hold a very powerful and meaningful connection with.