The Way I Loved You

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter 19

Growing up, I've always had the pressure to live up to my parents' expectations. I had to have either a 100 or a 99 on my exams– as long as it's the highest grade.

One time, I had a 95 but I was still the highest in my class. My parents knew about it because my mother decided to snoop in my school bag. She immediately told my dad and I was grounded for a week– they told me I needed to straighten my grades and read for the whole week. They gave me a 857 page book for Biology and I needed to finish that. Every single page.

Whenever I was in class, my friends? Vivienne, she left me to hang out with the rest of her 'other' friends.

I also have no idea how I stayed friends with her.

They all say I'm a spoiled rich brat with two rich parents. A girl who had it so easy in life. Physically– I looked fine, but not so much. Mentally? Eh.

My mom would continuously comment on my body and how I eat. She says that if I don't slow down eating, she won't bring me with her during public events– I was 12. So from that age, I went running in the morning in our gym. I won't eat until I felt like passing out and I wasn't able to swallow food without throwing up.

I'm still scared for that to happen to me again.

It ruined me mentally. I've always thought, if I eat a single M&M, I would crave more and I'll end up gaining weight, then I have to hear what my mother has to say about my body.

I do love my body now. But I'm terrified. Terrified that I'll relapse and it will happen again, that one single fucking comment on my body will cause me to starve and stop eating for the next week. Just water.

I relapsed last year. It wasn't the best time of my life.

I was kissing this boy, and we suddenly ended up at his place, he was talking my shirt off when he said– "You're pretty curvy huh?", the tone in his voice felt like he was judging me. The tone in his voice like he wasn't pleased to see my body.

The whole time we were having sex I couldn't stop replaying what he said. I stopped eating, I counted my calories, I was going to the gym but I would nearly pass out with just an apple in my stomach.

The moment I felt like myself again was when Nicole and I had gone for a night out to watch the stars because we were single and lonely.

We were looking up at the stars when she said– "You know you're beautiful, right? If you're not aware then you should be. I feel like you needed to hear that." She smiled at me, her eyes watery. "No matter what anyone says Madisyn, you look absolutely beautiful." And then I teared up.

I know Nicole is a bitch sometimes, and we don't get along, but she's the only person who understands without me saying anything. I will never forget what she told me that night. If I ever came close to relapsing, I would think about what she said, and I would curse at myself because I was invalidating myself.

My phone was ringing. My mother.

"Hi darling, I've been calling since 10 seconds ago." I sigh. "I saw a paparazzi photo of you and that cute guy?" What?

I chuckled nervously, "Mother, who?"

"The hockey player? You were walking in a hotel. You guys looked pretty close." She laughs.

What the fuck? Someone took a photo of me and Nate? I can't get a single privacy even if I'm here. Or maybe it was because it's Nathaniel– he's an NHL hockey player for god's sakes.

"I- He's my friend, mom. Nothing more." Really Madisyn?

"I don't care what he is to you, I need you to fly him here. Me and your father would love to meet him. He's an NHL hockey player– the media will love this."