Siren Song | KNJ ✅

Chp 6: Sorry We're on an Important Business

Ari's POV 🌸

I'm relieved the weekend has arrived. Lily insists we take weekends off from work, noting we all need time to rest and refresh before a new work week. She explained her mantra is, "There are no real emergencies in K-Pop!" At my last job, the lines were so blurred that I was constantly overworking without any time to relax. I'm not used to having a boss like Lily, it's refreshing.

Laying in my bed, I stare out the window looking at the puffy white clouds roll by while I hold my hand over my heart. I would do anything to get my heartbeat to slow down. For hours it has felt like waves of worry have been washing over me like a continuous high tide. I just keep staring out at the clouds pretending they will help draw away all my worries and make them float away.

I hate that I'm like this. Throughout the last year, I've started having these attacks where my body seems to be swallowed up by my worries. I take deep breaths, desperately trying to swallow down how distraught I feel, trying in earnest to make my body stop acting like this.

I can't let anyone know this keeps happening!

It's taboo in my culture to talk about your mental struggles; people even lose their jobs over it. I can't speak to anybody about this, and I'm so worried about having it happen at my new job that I desperately want to keep it! I looked up my symptoms on the internet, and I think I'm having anxiety attacks, but I can't be certain.

My frustration with myself continues to grow while I rub my palm over my chest. If I could just get the tension to ease a little so I don't feel like I have a vice grip around my heart, I would be so much better!

I feel so foolish, I have a sneaking suspicion I know why this is happening, and it's ridiculous. Lily gave me that opportunity to pitch my ideas to her with complete confidence. It's the opportunity of a lifetime for me, and now I'm terrified that I will fail! 

This is exactly the opportunity I have been dreaming about for years, and now that I have my dreams within my grasp, I can barely handle it. Get over yourself, Ari!

I know the negative self-talk isn't helping my situation, and I'm trying my hardest not to keep from doing it, but I'm barely hanging on by a thread at this point. 

I roll over on my side, staring at the painting on the wall—the swirly light blue background with cherry blossoms in the forefront. Delicate blue, white, and pink brushstrokes come together to form delicate trees. I study the painting, trying to calm my nerves. I painted it when the cherry blossoms were in bloom two years ago; they are my favorite trees, and I had been so happy with my easel trying to capture their essence.

Will I ever feel that inspired again? So much has happened.

I think about how making art used to come so effortlessly to me, but in the past year, it had become more like a crutch, a lifeline...a coping mechanism that I performed to get by, and not so much for enjoyment.

Oh my God, is that why I lashed out at Mr. Dimples at the sculpture garden? Was it because he was taking my coping mechanism away from me that day by having me leave? Ugh.

I roll my eyes at myself. I haven't been able to get the handsome man with the dimples out of my mind since last weekend. I feel so much guilt about calling him arrogant. It's been weighing on my mind. I should have given his group the benefit of the doubt. They wouldn't have cleared me out if they didn't have a good reason. Right? I overreacted because I wanted to stay in my peaceful moment with my art and not have to deal with the real world for a little while, but my issues aren't Dimple's fault.

Dimples. That man certainly had the sweetest face. However, he also said my art was 'not bad,' which didn't feel like something a sweet person would say. It was so confusing!