Siren Song | KNJ ✅

Chp. 15: Not Infires, It's Inspires

Namjoon's POV 🪴

"Stalking Ari again?"

"Hyung!" I startle. "Don't sneak up on me like that!" 

Sometimes Yoongi can live up to his cat-like characterization when he decides to enter a room quietly!

"You think I didn't know you started following Ari on Instagram with a burner account the minute she showed it to you. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist! You two have enough in common to hold each other's interest but enough differences to excite you. Plus, she is adorable." Yoongi scoffs knowingly.

"One, she's not adorable; she is absolutely beautiful. Secondly, shut your mouth!" I laugh. "Don't you spit facts at me!"

Sometimes I take for granted how well we have gotten to know each other over the years, and I know I've been caught red-handed! It's true; the day Ari showed me her Instagram, I was so intrigued I used one of my secret accounts and began following her so I could keep looking at her art and see her adventures unfold.

It's nice to have an account where I don't have to see anything BTS related and just follow my interests. I follow many artists, museums, musicians I like, authors, and anything that strikes my fancy all behind a false name. It's nice to have a sliver of anonymity in the world and escape from the constant judging. People joke about us having burner accounts, they just don't realize that although that is true, some of us do, but with mine, I need a break from our own content, I don't follow it!

Being the "leader" is a double-edged sword! I feel blessed that I get to make my music and follow my passions, but there is a considerable dark side to it all of it as well, that most people can't possibly understand. I'm held to an impossible standard. I've had so many people make disparaging remarks about my looks, or the things I've said. I can't explain how hard it is to grow up and learn life lessons while navigating countless cultural differences with the entire world actually watching and judging you. Twenty-something-year-olds are usually fucking up, growing, and learning in small circles, but for me, the whole world is my stage, and it's been overwhelmingly challenging.

I'm expected to be perfect in not only my own country but to be knowledgable about every subject, every cultural difference, everyone's history for every country we tour in or have fans. It's an immense responsibility to shoulder, and sometimes I just want to escape for a little while away from all the chatter. I don't want to be "RM" or be "the Leader" or have everyone call me "Daddy." It used to be exciting to gain attention when I was a kid, but I'm an adult now, and I've been doing this a long time. Those nicknames were so exciting when I first started; now, they tend to feel like shackles. Sometimes, I just need an ounce of peace for a few minutes to reset and recharge. I'm constantly questioning myself, "Who am I?"

"She went hiking on Saturday and posted some beautiful pictures," I admit. "I do worry about her out on the trails by herself all the time, though. What if she gets hurt, and she's out there alone?" I think out loud.

"You could solve that by giving her a phone number to reach you. You don't have to trust her right away with your regular number. Use an app or a burner phone...." Yoongi offers nonchalantly.

"Yoongi, I swear I understand you are with Lily. You don't have to push me towards Ari. I get it, truly...." I murmur.

The fact is that working with Lily and Yoongi really has helped me move on from Lily quite a bit. Lily may not think she is showing her affection for Yoongi in front of me to spare me my feelings, but I see it. I see it in the way they glance at each other and in the way they work like a fine-tuned machine in the studio. The way Yoongi casually brushes his hand over hers when he thinks nobody is watching.